How to Ace a Job Interview

My buddy likes to tell people that looking for a job is a full-time job. Well, buddy, if that’s true then where the heck’s my paycheck!? Oh yeah, and what about health insurance? When’s that going to start kicking it? Oh wait. It’s not. Moron.

Obviously, my buddy is wrong. Looking for a job is nothing like actually having a job. It’s more like going on an African safari: you get out your binoculars, search around for all the different animals and, if you’re lucky, you catch a zebra and get to ride around on it for a bit and yell “Yippee!” while your friend takes pictures.

Also, when you’re done, you get to shoot the zebra.

A successful job applicant
A successful job applicant

But before you get to enjoy that fun-time ride, you have to sit down and make sure you and that zebra are compatible. In Africa, they call this “a date,” but here in America it’s known as an interview. If you’re wondering how to get that zebra to like you, here are the steps for acing a job interview:

Step 1: Make the interviewer feel comfortable. You know how you have to stroke a zebra’s head when you’re trying to get it to lick your face? Well the same principle applies here – you want to make the interviewer feel as comfortable as possible. This can be done by telling a joke or two, but remember: you don’t want the interviewer thinking you’re a goof off! A better way to make the interviewer comfortable is actually much simpler – give him a good, ole fashioned foot massage.

Everyone loves a good rub down, which is why you shouldn’t even bother asking before you start massaging. Simply slip off your shoes and start rubbing those toes all over his scalp. Remember, the more toe action, the better. Everyone knows that’s the sign of a good foot massage.

Step 2: Be friendly. Before long, that foot massage will have broken the tension and the two of you will be chatting like old school friends. Keep the conversation friendly until the massage is over. That way, the interviewer will feel comfortable joking about how great it felt. If you’re lucky, he’ll even jokingly compare the massage to intercourse by saying, “how much do I owe you?” When this happens, you can go ahead and push “stop” on your hidden tape recorder.

Step 3: Go on the offensive! That vague sexual-related comment that interviewer just made is plenty to threaten sexual harassment.  Play the tape for the interviewer. If he’s like most corporate bosses, he’ll be so afraid of another lawsuit that he’ll offer you the job on the spot! If he balks, saying the evidence is too vague, just say something to the affect of, “we’ll just let the judge be the judge of that.” That should scare him. If it doesn’t, repeat the word “judge” a few more times. He probably didn’t hear you the first time.

Step 4: Ask yourself: Is this a good fit? If the idea of working at this place excites you, then congratulations! Simply accept the job and start collecting your paychecks. However, if the job doesn’t seem like you would enjoy it, then you should kindly decline the offer. No one wants to be stuck in a job they don’t like.*

If you don’t like the job, don’t let the idea of unemployment scare you into accepting. Remember, you’ve got enough evidence to file a sexual harassment claim. Even if you settle out of court, there should be enough money to pay for plenty of groceries and trips to Africa for months to come. Or, at least until your next interview. Happy hunting!

*Unless they offer you more money. Then take the job.

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