Jeff Wysaski
Oh good, you’re awake. How are you feeling? I see. Well, after inhaling that much chloroform, I can’t say I’m surprised.
At any rate, welcome to your new home. I know what you’re thinking: this cage is a bit cramped,” but trust me, it’s bigger than it looks. Oh, come now – there’s no need for that. Shaking the bars? Did you really think my cage-building skills were so shoddy, that you’d be able to break free simply by shaking loose one of the bars?
And even if it had worked? Then what? You can plainly see that both exits are thoroughly blocked by a slab of reinforced steel. Were you going to shake your way through one of those as well? I doubt it. That steel is 3-ft. thick, which even I admit, is comically oversized. But what can I say? They were having a sale.
And did you fail to see the phaser gun that I am, at this very moment, pointing at your puny head? It’s rather hard to miss, considering the sheer size of the thing. And I would think all those flashing lights would have caught your eye at some point.
Anyway, the point is: you’re not going anywhere. So why don’t you just let go of the bars and have a sip from your giant hamster water dispenser?
What am I going to do with you? Well, as you probably guessed from my lab coat and unruly hair, I am an evil scientist. I kidnapped you for the sole purpose of using you as a lab rat in my experiments (and, okay, a little torture – just for fun).
What type of experiments? Well, any that might aid me in my unholy quest to learn everything there is to know about this great world of ours and, if I’m lucky, acquire enough superhuman knowledge to eventually oppose the omnipotent power of God himself.
For example, I’m currently working on a shrink gun. It’s supposed to shrink you down to the size of a pea so, fingers crossed! If you’re lucky maybe we can get you into that program. Of course, that’s provided you survive the next few months. It’ll take at least that long before that project comes down the pipeline.
Also, see that fellow over there? I can’t say for certain, but at some point I will probably try to sew his arm to your chest. Oh, don’t worry. I’ll cut it off of him first! If there’s one thing I understand, it’s that us guys like to keep to ourselves.
Speaking of which, not all of us have had the luxury of a chloroform-induced nap today. I think it’s time I excuse myself and rested up for tonight so I don’t get cranky. Because trust me, you DON’T WANT TO SEE ME CRANKY!
Anyway, make yourself at home. Oh, and you see that pile of tattered rags in the corner there? Go ahead and put those on. I’ve got friends coming over later and I think they’ll get a kick out of it. Don’t worry about your other clothes, we’ll have someone come by and take them to the incinerator. That’s all for now. See you tonight, dear specimen.