Aries (3/21 to 4/19)
A close friend eventually opens up to you after a new hacksaw finally gets you through that pesky ribcage.
Taurus (4/20 to 5/20)
Your magnetic personality exudes today. Unfortunately, so does the pus from your dead tooth. Stay inside and wait things out.
Gemini (5/21 to 6/21)
Don’t act surprised when things don’t quite go as planned – you’re a terrible actor and you won’t be fooling anyone.
Cancer (6/22 to 7/22)
Opportunity knocks this afternoon, offering you a tantalizing proposition you simply can’t pass up. Unfortunately, when you let old lady Opportunity in, she turns out to be an undercover police officer and you’re arrested for soliciting.
Leo (7/23 to 8/22)
The feelings of distance you are experiencing from a loved one will dissipate when a phone call causes them to get up from the table and walk over to the chair you’re sitting in.
Virgo (8/23 to 9/22)
Use a smile and your charm to disarm an old foe. If that doesn’t work, try throwing stars. Then, maybe a bow staff.
Libra (9/23 to 10/22)
Love is in the air this week, dear Libra. Wait, no. My bad – that’s just your armpit stink. The cosmos order you to stop using Tom’s of Maine and buy some real deodorant.
Scorpio (10/23 to 11/21)
Despite what a person close to you may be saying, it’s time to let go and move on. It may be hard at first, but trust me, that physical strain your body has been feeling lately will instantly fade away when your hand “slips” and that person falls down the cliff to their death below.
Sagittarius (11/22 to 12/21)
After months of business as usual, you will finally feel reborn at work when your boss slathers you in baby oil and pushes you through a small plastic tube into the waiting arms of Carol from Accounting.
Capricorn (12/22 to 1/19)
Communications with your parents may be difficult today. If you want them to finally hear things from your point of view, wiggle out of those restraints and remove that duct tape they’ve put over your mouth.
Aquarius (1/20 to 2/18)
Your efforts to get people to follow you will finally come to fruition when you successfully start that conga line at the bank.
Pisces (2/19 to 3/20)
Do you feel like someone let you down today? Like down the face of a cliff? Yeah, those Scorpios are the worst.
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