Jeff Wysaski
Whether you’re an awkward teen girl looking for your real-world Edward Cullen equivalent, or an aging, withered old divorcee just looking to settle, single women all want the same thing: a man (well, almost all women).
So what is it that men want when they’re looking for a girlfriend? It’s pretty simple actually. No matter what the age, race or ethnicity of a man, he always asks himself three questions before deciding to go on a date with a girl. These questions are:
- Is she attractive?
- Does she have a good personality?
- Can she drive a racecar?
Let’s look at each question more carefully…
Is She Attractive?
Certainly, a man must be attracted to the lady for him to be interested. But does that mean we are all looking for a woman with movie star good looks? Yes, yes it does. And who is the hot young movie/book character that all the men are talking about these days?
That’s right, Anne of Green Gables (I’m talking adult Anne, not underage Anne).
If you don’t have long braids of red hair or a “pale countenance,” have no fear, there are plenty of other attractive celebrities that you can model your hairstyle and general appearance after. They include: Mary Steenburgen, Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey, Danica Patrick and Angelica from the Rugrats cartoon. Beyond celebrity good looks, other things that men like include:
- Pretty smile
- Hourglass figure
- Really long fingernails
- Nipples (the more, the better)
- Thick mustache
- Hooks for hands
Does She Have a Good Personality?
Guys want a confident woman who can make him laugh (i.e. Steenburgen or Oprah). As such, if you want to really impress a man, put on some oversized shoes, dress up like a clown, and slip on a banana peel. This classic comedy routine is hilarious, and is guaranteed to get your man to ask you out for a coffee or Burger King Croissan’Wich on the spot.
During your date, keep him smiling (so don’t take off the clown costume yet!), but also talk about your interests and hobbies. Good topics of discussion include sports, racecars (see below), your last all-girl slumber party, Christopher Columbus, and your exorbitant number of nipples.
Can She Drive a Racecar?
Racecars are cool. Super cool. All us guys think so. Which is why the ability to drive a racecar is a crucial skill we always look for in a mate. And if you not only can drive a racecar, but own one as well, then you may as well just start dress shopping now because, baby, you’ll be married in no time.
Trust me, if you’re struggling in the looks or personality department, just take a few laps around your nearest racetrack and you’ll be dating the man of your dreams in no time. Happy hunting!
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