Jeff Wysaski
Vampires, it is against California law to suck the blood of your victims within 30-ft. of this establishment. Please respect the personal space of your fellow patrons and adhere to this law.
Failure to abide to this law may result in a maximum fine of $45. Failure to pay this fine is considered a misdemeanor, and is subject to a sentence of 10 to 20 seconds of sun exposure.
And if you think you can just transform into a bat and fly away into the night before you have a chance to be fined, think again muster. Because we have giant butterfly nets and we know how to use them.
That said, please feel free to prey on any unsuspecting victims that may be careless enough to wander more than 30 feet from this establishment. It is, of course, your ungodly-given right to sink your sharp, piercing teeth into the necks of warm-blooded humans if you so choose (even if most of us consider it a disgusting habit).
For your convenience, we have drawn a chalk line to delineate the 30-foot mark. Additionally, a row of trashcans has been provided so that you may more easily ambush your prey – springing forth from behind them to catch them off guard.
Once you have finished your blood meal, please discard any unused portions of your human in one of trash bins marked “shriveled corpses.”
If you prefer not to drain the entire life force from your human – instead opting to transform him or her into another vampire – please be courteous and inform your new undead brethren of our 30-foot rule. As we say, an informed vampire is a happy vampire.
There will be no leniency in the enforcement of this rule. We apologize, but under no circumstances will we make an exception; not even if you are the great Count Dracula himself.
You have been warned.
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