A Series of Passive-Aggressive Notes From Tom Thumb’s Roommate

Yo Tom Thumb – what’s the deal, man? The dishes have been sitting in the sink for the past week. In case you don’t remember, I washed them the past three times. Look, I know you think it’s not your responsibility because you drink from a thimble and use a bottle cap as a plate, but seriously dude, we’re roommates. And roommates are supposed to split the workload 50/50. Sure, maybe a few more dishes in that sink are from me, but come on man, this is supposed to be a partnership. I left the sponge shoes I made for you by the hot water knob. Start skating!

Thanks,

Kevin

Hey Tom – thanks for washing the top dish in the sink, but in case you didn’t notice, there’s a whole stack of dishes beneath that cereal bowl. And don’t come to me complaining about how the dishes are too heavy to lift and rinse. I’ve seen you work your magic with levers and pullies before – get on it. Also, the pizza last night was $20 – so slip me a $10 when you get a chance. I know you’re going to say that all you ate was a couple crumbs, but seriously, man – we both ate our fill.

Thanks,

Kevin

Thumb – still waiting on that $10. And while we’re on the subject of money, rent is due. Your half is $550. I know you think you should pay less because this is a 1-bedroom and you let me have it, but really, that drawer you sleep in is LIKE a second bedroom. And if we each occupy one of the two bedrooms, then it’s only fair that we split rent. You’re always talking about how you want to be treated like a normal human being. Well, normal human beings split the rent with their roommates.

Thanks,

Kevin

Hey Tom – I stepped on Thumbelina. My bad.

-Kevin

Tom – no more excuses about money. Maybe if you spent less time fighting spiders with toothpicks and getting blown away by the air conditioning vents, you’d have time to go out and get a job. Look, we can all make excuses for not working. I’ve got my asthma, you’ve got your 1-inch height. Come on man, I already gave you a job lead (remember, my “picking wax out of people’s ears” idea?), all you’ve got to do is execute.

Get on it,

Kevin

Hey Tom – sorry man, but two nickels from cleaning out earwax isn’t going to cut it. I want you out by the end of the week. I’ve got an interested party coming over Thursday to look at your drawer, so please have it in decent shape. Also, he inquired about a bed – would you be willing to leave your square of toilet paper? Not sure if he’ll want it – he’s of normal height – but just want to know if the offer is on the table.

Thanks,

Kevin

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