Here’s a fresh round of premium tweets for your enjoyment…
only the good die young? phew good thing that i am so incredibly awful
— wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) September 19, 2014
My body is made of 70% water? [starts shoveling handfuls kool aid mix down throat] This is gonna be sweeeet.
— Thynebear @ Bisco (@Thynebear) October 26, 2014
"So why do you want to be a Fireman?" *imagines myself spending 10 hrs a day running upstairs and sliding down the fire pole* To save lives.
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) November 7, 2014
Cop: "In a hurry tonight sir?" *I point to the ice cream melting in my back seat* Cop: "Dispatch I need all available units for an escort!"
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) November 7, 2014
LOOK AT ME, I'M AN ASSHOLE! - people backing into parking spots
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) November 30, 2013
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) August 13, 2014
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) November 3, 2014
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
— Joe Veix (@joeveix) January 5, 2014
Just bought some lettuce to go bad in my fridge.
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) November 8, 2014
Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) July 23, 2014
Substitute teachers are kids' first introduction to the concept that all authority is an illusion.
— John McNamee (@Piecomic) October 29, 2014
i like traffic bc it allows me to catch up on my sitting.
— Megan Neuringer (@MeganNeuringer) February 12, 2014
If I ever get hit by a car I hope it's not while I'm carrying a pizza because then I'll be upset about two things.
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) March 21, 2014
Apple Ads: "Phones are fun!" Samsung Ads: "APPLE SUCKS FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS (Clears Throat, Pulls Out Scroll) REASON THE FIRST…"
— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) September 22, 2014
“RIP.” – Christian tombstone “BRB.” – Buddhist tombstone
— Clarke Kant (@clarkekant) January 30, 2014