Jeff Wysaski
A big thanks to the very funny @primawesome for assembling this week’s list of funny tweets…
Yes, you can lead a horse to water but you can also bring the water to him. Maybe do something nice for someone else for once in your life.
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) February 27, 2013
SCIENCE: This is true.
HALF OF AMERICA: No.
— Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) March 20, 2015
i've trained my body to wake up every time netflix pauses and press continue
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) April 30, 2015
"Taunting" is the most hilarious penalty in pro sports. Boils down to *whistle* "Number 23 hurt another grown man's feelings."
— Turkey Jerky (@MarkAgee) May 9, 2015
If you pretend to be dead long enough, people come along and do your hair & makeup for free.
— olll (@dulcetry) May 3, 2015
You know two dads are about to fight in a Whole Foods parking lot when they circle each other and flick open Subaru keys like switchblades.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 8, 2015
Bruce Jenner is telling the world his biggest secret and you'd never show your last five Google searches to anyone so chill
— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) April 25, 2015
My funeral is going to be a series of situations that I said will only happen over my dead body.
— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) May 6, 2015
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad's grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad's face
5. Quiznos— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) August 31, 2013
In the 90s there were a lot of songs about trains. Like an uncomfortable amount. That's why we wrapped ourselves in flannel.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) April 28, 2015
I replied "maybe" to your facebook event out of respect for the inherent uncertainty of life's journey.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) May 14, 2012
https://twitter.com/KelgoreTrout/status/472394754538635264
FIRST DATE TIP: dress up. when she asks why, say you have a date after.
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) May 5, 2015
One day I'm going to chuck this boy scout image out the window and never mind my mom says no.
— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) May 2, 2015
Go to a spiritual lecture and laugh wisely in all the wrong places
— lanyardigan (@lanyardigan) March 29, 2015