Put down the leftover Halloween candy and read these amazing tweets.
I turned the welcome mat around this morning and went outside for the first time in eight years.
— Boo Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) October 3, 2014
Who else gets sad when you run out of things to wash in the shower because then you have to get out and face your problems
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) June 17, 2015
If they play your favorite song at an outdoor mall with a fountain show, your favorite song sucks.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) September 24, 2015
if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 14, 2014
Now that there are no phone booths anymore Superman just changes in abandoned Blockbusters.
— Brohibition Now (@OhNoSheTwitnt) October 25, 2015
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) October 15, 2015
How many deer have seen a ufo and just kept on walking
— Shawn (@online_shawn) October 21, 2015
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
— warren christmas (@pharmasean) May 10, 2014
school made me feel sad and isolated all the time but it was worth it to know who invented a the cotton gin
— The Christmas Creep (@HelloCullen) May 30, 2015
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
— jeremiah st cyr (@MiahSaint) March 1, 2013
Everyone who owns a denim jacket still refers to sex as scoring.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) October 13, 2015
When a Starbucks employee asks if there is anything they can get started for you, just say "this party" and maintain eye contact
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) October 30, 2015
God, give me the strength of a woman with good ideas and the confidence of a man with bad ones.
— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) October 17, 2015
Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 9, 2015
This generation will never know the joy of pushing a fully clothed person into a swimming pool without fear of damaging an overpriced phone.
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) April 15, 2015