Mike
Time to hit the ground running and get some work done this week, right after you read these tweets.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) November 20, 2015
Great, now we can go back to not being Thankful for stuff.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) November 27, 2015
I am bankrupt. Divorced. Lost custody of my child. But specimen 679, the 679th raccoon that I've taunted, finally gave me the finger.
— Megan Pettit (@meganshpettit) August 16, 2014
*takes a sip of coffee, leans back in chair and cracks knuckles* Ok, time to publish my every stupid thought online.
— Ray! (@dragnut) September 9, 2014
hopefully the wind blows all the neighbors trash into my yard oh cool it did
— meatshirt (@prettysadmostly) November 21, 2015
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
— SCARYSTOTLE (@STOTLE) July 11, 2012
He died the way he lived. In an apartment with a gas leak.
— Brandon Scott Wolf (@BrandonEsWolf) November 23, 2015
What are you guys doing tonight? I'm gonna scroll through Netflix then HBOGo then Showtime then Hulu then iTunes & end up watching my dog.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) November 6, 2015
I have a question for Star Wars experts. Is Yoda a goat, or a bug
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) November 22, 2015
"Hola! I'm Señor Coconut, children"
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
"Drink me. Drink me. I'm full of vitamins and minerals"
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) November 18, 2015
"Hello darkness my old friend."
Darkness: I'm not lending you any money.— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) November 22, 2015
*falls dramatically on therapist's sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
— Boo Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) November 18, 2014
i started carrying a vape whistle to alert the authorities anytime i see someone vaping
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) November 24, 2015
If someone calls you ugly, it's really because that person is insecure about themselves, but also you might be ugly.
— The Guy (@theguydf) November 21, 2015
Lean Cuisine tastes great with a little cheese and another meal afterwards.
— molly (@MollySneed) November 8, 2015