Hope you had a great weekend. Please enjoy this list of excellent tweets.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can't do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
— Unoriginal Tweeter (@LostCatDog) February 18, 2013
At my worst, I'm tossing an old McDonald's bag in the backseat to make room for my new McDonald's bag.
— Lauren (@someskirt) February 14, 2012
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there's history.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) July 27, 2012
Hey autocorrect, how about you stop worrying about my typing and start worrying about my driving.
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) December 8, 2015
the whales know they are being watched and are no happier with a surveillance state than we are
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) December 10, 2015
*gives up seat on bus for an old lady*
*whispers in her ear*
"This isn't over"— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) July 2, 2014
When you correct stupid boys because you know better it's called Hermionexplaining.
— Brohibition Now (@OhNoSheTwitnt) December 1, 2015
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) May 14, 2014
He was desperate. Like a water park during Christmas time trying to lure in customers with a holiday light show.
— Scott Losse (@coolbathroom) November 8, 2015
Sorry I can't take your call, I've stepped away from my desk until the phone stops ringing.
— Kim Holcomb (@kimholcomb) August 21, 2014
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You're free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird— Name cannot be blank even more now (@abbycohenwl) February 15, 2015
We get it, you vape pic.twitter.com/T793z8s539
— olll (@dulcetry) December 6, 2015
* whispers all passwords into memory foam mattress *
— Jackman…Forever (@TheAlexP) March 7, 2015
How lazy of a ghost are you that you haunt a graveyard
— joseph turkey (@sad_tree) April 21, 2015
Built a TV news desk in the living room. Area wife very upset.
— blake (@Leemanish) August 27, 2013