Mike
Congratulations on surviving another week. Life is hard. You earned these tweets.
Is Kanye really the greatest artist of all time? It's like your grandma is awesome but even she doesn't take her #1 Grandma mug literally
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) January 27, 2016
Sometimes I see a big leaf on the ground and I'm like "dang were you that big on the tree? that's why you fell off dude"
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 23, 2016
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
— Brohibition Now (@OhNoSheTwitnt) January 26, 2016
*Pulls my wife in close and whispers in her ear on my death bed*
Download mobile strike for free in the App Store
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) January 28, 2016
MISSED CONNECTION: You came in the photo frame I bought
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 29, 2014
Yes, love, that poem was incredibly beautiful, I was just thinking about how I bet I could scale and jump over a barbed-wire fence unharmed.
— Boo Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) May 5, 2013
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) June 12, 2013
Welcome to public transit, walk your carbon-based body into the belly of this metallic hell worm.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) January 25, 2016
Leia: help me obi wan kenobi, you're my only hope
Obi Wan: sending thoughts and prayers— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) December 18, 2015
Looking at you, Jesus. pic.twitter.com/yDubAPu8Zw
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) November 30, 2014
If my boss "Hey tiger"s me 1 more time, I swear I'm going to smile and take it for the next 40 years because I'm an adult & jobs pay money.
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) December 28, 2015
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
— john freiler (@johnfreiler) June 28, 2013
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
— Shawn (@online_shawn) June 3, 2015
were do u pet a horse. like were on his body.
— Jeffrey Brian (@sweet_toof) July 13, 2012
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) December 6, 2015