Jeff Wysaski
Here are some well-crafted jokes from some fine folks on Twitter…
My ex said I was the most jealous man she knew…
Confirming my suspicions about her knowing other men.
— Ben (@0point5twins) May 21, 2015
[wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night
[Carrot Top in bed beside me] Good morning
[Me] Carrot Top my love, what happened— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) March 11, 2016
if you order a mcflurry 8 days in a row that's called a mcturbo and they have to let you see the shed where they keep grimace
— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) March 8, 2016
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised— vineyille (@vineyille) February 23, 2016
men, this tweet is for US GUYS ONLY! NO GIRLS ALLOWED IN THIS TWEET! WELCOME TO THE TESTOSTER-ZONE!! do you guys ever get sad
— g0m (@g0m) October 20, 2012
Is coral the stupidest animal or the smartest rock
— REW (@therealeatwood) January 13, 2016
"I'm a total nerd. I like Star Wars, the most popular movie franchise of all time."
— Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) May 4, 2015
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn't know what you mean, that's an imposter Jesus.
— Shane (@Shanehasabeard) February 22, 2015
—You a private eye?
That’s what the blue neon sign says out front.
—It’s argon. Neon glows orange.
V.O.: From the start, she was trouble.
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) October 27, 2015
Dorothy: Scarecrow, I think I'll miss you most of all.
Tin-Man: I literally JUST got a heart and you already ruined it.
— Hi, My Name is Nick Tofani. Welcome 2 My Home Page (@OneTrickTofani) May 15, 2015
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary— FroVoving (@fro_vo) November 5, 2015
[i find an extra chicken nugget in my meal] my father spoke of a prophecy
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) April 29, 2015
It's fitting that we set the clocks forward during Women's History Month because it's progress but a lot of people complain about it.
— Brohibition Now (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 7, 2016
You (dumb, hasn't seen Fight Club): If I buy things I'll be happy
Me (smart, has seen Fight Club): I'm going to punch someone in a basement— Pixelated “Pixelated Boat” Boat (@pixelatedboat) February 10, 2016
The minute I even contemplate wearing a white shirt, 11 jars of salsa fall from the sky and spill on it and then it catches on fire
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 17, 2016