It doesn’t get much better than this list of tweets. I mean, it probably does, but this is what I have.
I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"
— Li'l Edie Pentland (@JennyPentland) December 21, 2013
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 20, 2015
Capri Sun combines my love of fruit punch with my love of violence
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) April 23, 2016
No guy named Larry was ever a baby. They actually walk out of their mothers womb with receding hairlines in sandals with socks
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) May 20, 2013
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number
Dolphin:Well, I don't normally do this. But yes I'm free tonight
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) May 13, 2016
[wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night
[Carrot Top in bed beside me] Good morning
[Me] Carrot Top my love, what happened
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) March 11, 2016
The fact that we're cool with dogs chewing on bones instead of horrified is a testament to how cute they are.
— Scones Mortensen (@ThingsJackDigs) April 21, 2015
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he's uh coming later
— Melican (@MelKassel) January 18, 2016
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
— non human paul (@Death_Buddy) September 17, 2014
me: Let me slip into something more uncomfortable.
me (getting naked): Yes.
— Super Cynthia (@Super_Cynthia) May 29, 2015
They needed three Back to the Future movies so they could cover life’s three great concerns: one’s birth, one’s future legacy, and cowboy
— REW (@therealeatwood) October 22, 2015
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it's too hot Colin, put some cold water in
— Gogglepossum (@gogglepossum) July 3, 2015
World's worst sorority pic.twitter.com/EekqJXpO5I
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) August 20, 2015
Me: will I find true love?
Ouji Board: A R E Y O U H U N G R Y
Me: dammit grandma not now
— Spencer (@amjustspencer) November 21, 2015
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) January 24, 2016