These words have been combined in such a way to provide optimum humor and enjoyment.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) December 10, 2015
I gotta stop bringing up finishing seasons of TV shows like it's an accomplishment
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) May 29, 2016
Once at O'Hare I saw a lady wearing a jean jacket with an airbrushed portrait of Diana Ross on it. She turned around & it was Diana Ross.
— Alicia Hawkes (@AliciaHawkes) December 4, 2013
THERAPIST: lets pick some attainable goals
THERAPIST: not quite
THERAPIST: now we're talkin
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) April 3, 2016
"Want to see something cool?" I turn my mouse sensitivity up to 6 and struggle to click the OK button. "Whoa she's buckin' like a bronco"
— viney (@vineyille) May 27, 2016
Connect with others by being open. Show what’s really inside. Pour yourself out. Paint the room with your blood. Frame them for your murder.
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) June 4, 2016
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) June 2, 2016
how come paul simon gets all the first names and art garfunkel just gets random words
— sauced (@trojansauce) June 2, 2016
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty"
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 25, 2015
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE TURNING DOWN THE THERMOSTAT WITHOUT NEGOTIATING WITH ANYONE
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 17, 2014
When people say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans", all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."
— Insert Clever Handle (@LMHPhotog) June 3, 2016
The middle initials "R.R.", a ranked list:
1. J.R.R. Tolkien
2. George R.R. Martin
3. The Children R.R. Future
— Line Art Lionheart (@notalogin) February 28, 2016
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
— Awescar (@awescar) August 27, 2013
Wife: that's never going to work
Husband: you're so negative, Sandra
W: you're planting bird seeds
H: LET ME GROW MY BIRDS, WOMAN
— f r e d ¯_(ツ)_/¯ (@RegularFred) May 14, 2016
If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'. I'll turn around and look.
— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) August 11, 2015