Please enjoy these gold medal caliber tweets.
When god closes a door he opens a window, secure the perimeter god is escaping
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) July 3, 2016
(on a first date)
you know if you shave a Guinea pig they look like tiny hippos
*with way too much food in my mouth*
they hate it though
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) August 9, 2016
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Xanax before beer, drive a tractor through a peacock sanctuary.
— Brandon Gutermuth (@UNTRESOR) August 6, 2016
do all whales make songs or only the depressed, self absorbed whales
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) August 4, 2016
villain, after explaining his master plan: SO THAT'S HOW I did it
Villain: THATS HOW I WON
me: dude fine just kill me & buy a journal
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) August 7, 2016
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can't get out of the bathtub.
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) July 25, 2015
Judge: And how does the defendant plead?
Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.
— Turd Ferguson (@generaldietz) February 17, 2016
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
— huntigula (@huntigula) May 22, 2015
Batman's an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) June 13, 2016
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) December 17, 2013
Roses are red
Violets are blue pic.twitter.com/ZKVJGZwlaF
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) August 10, 2016
Iron Man isn't made of iron, he's just wearing it. I guess I'm Cheap Tank Top Woman.
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) August 1, 2016
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) May 7, 2016
I like how people say "manage your depression" like it's a stock portfolio but you're heavily invested in sadness
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) July 12, 2016
The year is 2054. My casket's being lowered into the landfill. My grandson Chipotle starts to play Taps on his iBugle. A 15 second ad plays.
— hard-workin american (@JermHimselfish) June 15, 2016