Welcome to another edition of 15 Twitter Jokes. I’m your host, Mike Primavera.
load my ashes into a t-shirt cannon and fire it at people i hate
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) September 9, 2014
Garfield: I'm grumpy
Jon: I can legally have you murdered whenever I want.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) November 5, 2014
Welcome to Indiana. We have babies named Randy
— Atman Thakrar (@AtmanThakrar) August 28, 2016
When I was a kid we paid $100 for a calculator you couldn't even tweet on
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) September 4, 2016
My favorite German children's story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) August 21, 2014
Dentist: "When was the last time you flossed?"
Me: "BRO, you were there."
— Holly Anne (@HollyMemphis) September 30, 2015
Sometimes I order pizza from two different places to see if the delivery guys will show up at the same time and fight
— Jacob Swift (@jacob_swift16) March 14, 2016
*grabs grocery store intercom* EVERYTHING CARBON BASED IS ORGANIC *noises of struggle* DON'T LET BIG ORGANIC FOOL YOU!
— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) August 21, 2016
Say NO! to drugs.
Say YES! to drugs.
It really doesn't matter what you tell drugs because if you're talking to drugs, you're taking them.
— The Refined Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) August 31, 2015
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 28, 2016
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) October 23, 2015
I know it's time to do laundry because I'm down to all my sexy underwear.
— Abhorrent Housewife (@abhorrent_wife) November 16, 2012
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
— Fury Pesto (@RocketRankoon) March 20, 2015
I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) April 26, 2016
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him 🙁
— wwwdmmmffnn (@woodmuffin) January 9, 2013