Here are 15 things from the internet that won’t make you sad.
*a man runs into the bar*
"HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?"
*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) June 23, 2015
tfw u've reached ur goals but u feel nothing & now u suspect that nothing will ever be enough to fulfill u pic.twitter.com/dBN7flDKJK
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 13, 2016
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
— Chillary Bluntin (@fightforfood) December 15, 2016
We asked 500 men what they look for in a woman and then set them adrift on a raft screaming, because just kidding who cares
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 1, 2015
when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"
— lindsey (@Lindzeta) January 15, 2013
My dad always said "martinis are like breasts: one's not enough, and three's too many." Which was weird when I was 9, but it makes sense now
— crappystuffforjerks (@somecleverthing) December 17, 2016
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 19, 2016
Hey, people in white denim jackets. The 80s called. I hung up on them fools. That's a great jacket!
— your joke was nice (@JayUhOh) March 10, 2013
my kindness is NOT weakness. my patience is NOT permission to be cruel. my shoes ARE glow in the dark but i only found out AFTER i got them
— beth (@imteddybless) October 25, 2016
Crazy how people more successful than me are lucky and people less successful than me haven't worked as hard
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 10, 2015
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i'm on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
— Mel (@MelKassel) April 24, 2016
Hate when people complain about being broke but are covered in expensive tattoos. Sell some tattoos.
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) September 19, 2016
[Drives up to prostitute]
"One sex please"
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) June 28, 2016
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 20, 2016
Jesus: *raising chalice* let us sup
Judas: what's sup?
Jesus: Not much what's up with you lmao
Judas: this is the last straw
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 7, 2016