These tweets will make you smile, maybe laugh, possibly be so hilarious they drive you mad. Enjoy.
MILLENNIAL: omg the line at starbucks is so long lol
BOOMER: a racoon died in the well & we all got ass fever. the king stole our best goat
— mustard (@nice_mustard) December 9, 2016
(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)
— Mike F (@mikefossey) January 6, 2017
I periodically look up from my desk with a little smile in case someone is filming sitcom credits
— Me, Sarah Shockey!! (@sarahjoyshockey) October 2, 2015
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
— Alex Rogaski (@AlexRogaski) June 22, 2016
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) September 15, 2016
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) June 12, 2016
beware diet advice that recommends "eating light," for that is most certainly the way you become a black hole
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) May 19, 2016
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) January 2, 2017
My 4-year-old didn't know what the meat thermometer was called so she said "time knife" which is now what I'll call it until the day I die
— Joey Alison Sayers (@joeyalison) December 31, 2016
Santa's reindeer Comet still has bad dreams about the time he killed the dinosaurs
— knthith (@painted_eel) December 17, 2016
Special Buy Nothing Day Sale!! Great Deals On: [ HOLES | VOIDS | SILENCE | NUMBNESS ] whisper coupon code "hello?" into a disconnected phone
— bandit (@UtilityLimb) November 25, 2011
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 3, 2015
Age 15: someday I'm going to own a Ferrari
Age 20: maybe I'll get a BMW someday
Age 25: I hope someone in a Mercedes hits me in a crosswalk
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) September 9, 2015
when you've only had 2 beers and your friends drag you onto the dance floor pic.twitter.com/Pe2oJaGwXe
— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) September 4, 2015
i dont know WHAT they've been teaching you in school but in THIS house we stand for the anthem and we jump around for the song jump around
— wrestling believer (@HumanPog) December 13, 2016