Mike
Kick off your shoes and relax your feet, and party on down with this list of great tweets.
Oh so this bath is only for birds?
Pass me my pants, I have a pocket copy of the constitution in there I'd like you to read.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) December 16, 2013
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn't asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you'd know that u were
— online hype guy (@TheHyyyype) January 27, 2017
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date again.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) January 24, 2016
Nobody seems to care about my dyslexia until I spit in the tips jar.
— regular fred (@RegularFred) March 2, 2016
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
"Hi, I usually don't make it this far"
— Amanda hugnkiss (@caliluvgirl77) January 22, 2016
There's a special place in Hell for people who pay for Hell Premium™
— Real Mensch (@Joerobinow) June 9, 2016
[God creating dogs]
Oh these turned out great. Im going to want all of these back at some point
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) March 31, 2016
doctor: what brings you here today
me: my car haha
doctor: (writing in chart) "not sexually active"— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 1, 2017
the exact moment my dog realized that the cat was coming home with us for good pic.twitter.com/ycqfA9relO
— jade (@TheDreamGhoul) August 31, 2015
its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside
— Mike F (@mikefossey) April 26, 2015
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent's face there is no known comeback.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) May 23, 2014
yes hello 911, i just accidentally liked my ex's vacation pic from 2004
— chuuch (@ch000ch) July 7, 2014
sad to think all the animals in Space Jam are dead now
— wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) September 20, 2013
MOM: just audition! The worst they can say is "no"
[later]
JUDGE: ur worthless and will amount to nothing
[later]
ME: so mom, guess what
— ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ123456789 (@mynameisntdave) March 5, 2016
awfully bold of you to fly the Good Year blimp on a year that has been extremely bad thus far
— wint (@dril) July 19, 2014