Welcome to my list of tweets. Enjoy at your leisure.
If my name was Dave I'd text my friends today saying "IT'S FRIDAVE! LET'S PARTY!". They'd be sick of me by Tuesdave.
— MJ (@sucittaM) December 16, 2011
*falls dramatically on therapist's sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
— Amanda M-W (@Manda_like_wine) November 18, 2014
"I don't understand moths," I say as I finish off another beer. "why do they gravitate to what kills them?" I stand. "anyone need another?"
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) May 25, 2013
I don't feel old, I feel like a ten year old who is very, very sick.
— Alicia Hawkes (@AliciaHawkes) May 17, 2012
DR.: you're going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) October 4, 2016
Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.
— AmishPornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) June 4, 2015
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
— horny rae jepsen (@themiltron) March 7, 2016
Dinosaur means terrible lizard, but to my eyes they were bloody brilliant lizards.
A horse. Now that's a terrible lizard
— GogglePossum (@gogglepossum) March 10, 2017
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
— Mark Magark (@markedly) January 3, 2017
SON: Dad whats Twitter
ME: u know when one dog barks & every single one in the area starts howling?
ME: its like that but all day
— noir Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) September 4, 2015
Trainer: How committed are you to this work out?
Me: My gym bag is a plastic grocery bag.
— Kendra Gaylord (@kendragaylord) January 6, 2016
when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"
— lindsey (@Lindzeta) January 15, 2013
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) January 4, 2016
I HATE TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE, BUT NOW THAT I HAVE THE POWER TO CONTROL WEATHER MY MORAL COMPASS HAS BEEN CORRUPTED
— McC (@MattMcC1) January 30, 2014