Welcome to my tweets show. Here are your stars: The Tweets.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
— penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) July 6, 2015
[at SunMaid farms with a guy]
Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins
— "Sarah Schauer" (@SJSchauer) July 1, 2016
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
— mustard (@nice_mustard) April 7, 2017
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 5, 2015
Dad, who's Daniel Day-Lewis? *Dad peers out the blinds* He could be anyone, son. *Mom starts weeping* He could be anyone.
— Brandon (@UNTRESOR) July 18, 2013
TELLING ME THE PLATE IS VERY HOT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO TOUCH IT MORE
— Jess (@jessokfine) June 30, 2015
Waiter: Your coffee
Me: Could I have a little spoon please?
*delicately embraces me from behind*
— John Darby (@mrjohndarby) December 28, 2016
imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew it's descendant would be a pug. that's how your grandpa feels when you talk about anime
— josh (@ruinedpicnic) March 31, 2017
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You've made a powerful enemy today, baby
— Maximum Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) May 23, 2015
Your password must contain at least two female characters who talk to each other about something other than a man.
— Lord Pinky (@HiddenPinky) October 14, 2014
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole's Law
— G-G-G-Brian (@abrianmc) November 10, 2015
If you are the older twin, call your little sibling 50 times a day and say “when I was your age” then describe what you did 6 minutes ago
— McSweatervest (@McSwtrvst) April 17, 2013
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 27, 2015
When life hands you lemons, you have been chosen. It is time. There is no turning back now. You are the Lemon Keeper.
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) April 2, 2017
"hey what's that sqiggly thing on the ground?"
"i don't know, it looks kinda like a w or m"
— how the worm got its name
— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) December 14, 2013