Mike
15 tweets. To be taken visually. Consult your doctor if they don’t induce laughter.
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
— Cohen✨is a Ghost of Christmas (@skullmandible) December 12, 2013
Everyone says their mom is the best, but we're never gonna solve this without a bracket.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) May 14, 2017
Last party I was at had 7 dads. The sheer deck building power in the room was palpable.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) July 7, 2013
if you get a lap dance, remember: there's a thin layer of flesh and cartilage between you and a gyrating skeleton full of turds on your lap
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) May 10, 2017
weird name for a horse imo pic.twitter.com/douDD9txCG
— mammal whoms't eats many shrimps (@walruslifestyle) April 3, 2017
https://twitter.com/_youhadonejob1/status/861506946322624513
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "not great man ive got diarrhea" i told him
— deg (@degg) October 13, 2013
INTERVIEWER: can you explain these gaps on your résumé?
INTERVIEWEE: o sure, i just hit Return a couple times. it's real easy, i'll show ya.— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 3, 2017
before mcdonald's i bet "don't buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule
— mustardsgiving (@nice_mustard) July 18, 2012
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) May 2, 2017
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on "Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?"*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET'S HEAR IT OUT— Elle Oh Hell plus several ellipses……………. (@ElleOhHell) March 5, 2014
U know how In a box of chocolates there's always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. "Put a gross one in there" I said
— detritus (@Flora__Flora) March 6, 2017
every day i think about the time i overheard the postman outside asking my cat "are you the hairiest little man in all the world"
— stephen thecatamites (@thecatamites) February 21, 2016
Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) July 17, 2015
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes— Line Art Lionheart (@notalogin) August 11, 2016