Yet another weekly list of hilarious tweets to jumpstart your Monday.
Last night I went to a hardware store with my dad and a lady was leaving the store with a shovel and my dad yelled UH OH SHOVEL TIME at her
— Shawn (@online_shawn) February 10, 2017
You know you're pale when you walk up to someone wearing transition lenses and their lenses go dark.
— Steve Dutzy (@SteveDutzy) August 25, 2016
the reason a snake bites you is because they are jealous of your beautiful legs
— smartest persen (@hippieswordfish) June 5, 2017
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
— rob elliott (@rockymomax) June 4, 2017
I'll never forget the time my watch stopped working
— Spazio (@Spaziotwat) February 19, 2016
Sometimes I order pizza delivery just so someone sees me in my underwear.
— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) April 29, 2017
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) May 28, 2013
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it'll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
— Living Marble (@living_marble) April 2, 2016
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.
— JenAshleyWright (@JenAshleyWright) January 21, 2015
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
— Poster's Remorse (@AbrasiveGhost) November 22, 2016
Hi, welcome to assumptions club. I think we all know why we're here.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) March 9, 2017
After a nap I always feel rested and ready to continue sleeping.
— Brandon Scott Wolf (@BrandonEsWolf) June 5, 2017
I got fired from subway for pretending I was hosting a cooking show
— brent (@murrman5) May 28, 2017
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) April 9, 2015
they say shake what your mama gave ya but how do I shake my love of gardening
— miel (@miel) May 3, 2017