Mike
Get your tweets here. Who wants a nice hot bag of tweets?
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
— KRANG T. NELSON (@KrangTNelson) June 16, 2017
"im self employed i dont have a boss" no you have infinite bosses. anyone who wants your services is your boss. you have the most bosses
— Mike F (@mikefossey) September 24, 2015
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here's how I'm gonna make tonight about me.— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) November 21, 2014
[whispering to son before he goes in mcdonalds play place] in about ten minutes pretend you're stuck so I can go in there
— brent (@murrman5) April 29, 2017
In 2001 I got laid in a no fear tshirt but I was terrified.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) December 14, 2013
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans— rob elliott (@rockymomax) April 19, 2017
https://twitter.com/rorynotroy/status/355880014983593984
Every McDonald's looks the same so it's hard to remember which one I left my baby in
— Pixelated “Pixelated Boat” Boat (@pixelatedboat) January 8, 2016
Hulk Hogan: (ripping off his shirt before a routine physical) Time to see what's wrong with me brother
— kid block (@senderblock23) March 17, 2017
What’s another name for “murder shed” because my attorney has advised me not to call my murder shed a murder shed
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) March 4, 2016
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) May 15, 2017
Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) July 17, 2015
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book 'The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron' is a hit with both critics and readers.
— That's what's going on, nothing's fine I'm Zach (@NamestartswithZ) August 19, 2016
Just ate a pack of fruit snacks alone with one other person in an elevator, like Javier Bardem would do in a movie before murdering them.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) June 14, 2017
MILLENNIAL: omg the line at starbucks is so long lol
BOOMER: a racoon died in the well & we all got ass fever. the king stole our best goat— mustardsgiving (@nice_mustard) December 9, 2016