Welcome to the tweet show. These are the tweets.
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REMOVE CARD NOW! REMOVE IT NOW! OH MY GOD ARE YOU CRAZY GET IT OU
— maggie mull (@infinitesimull) July 14, 2017
I only invite people over so that I will clean my house.
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) May 15, 2014
I've decided to use my powers for good enough.
— RM (@dorsalstream) November 19, 2015
I bet Egyptians were all like "Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the internet.
— Drew Snow (@Dschnoeb) January 15, 2014
°i see a bear and play dead°
[BEAR] omg it happened again this is my curse
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) January 12, 2015
Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert's funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. "Me want cookies," he sadly intones. "Me want cookies."
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) March 23, 2013
"oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol"
-giraffe in quicksand
— chuuch (@ch000ch) January 22, 2014
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
— vineyille (@vineyille) June 27, 2013
*cocks shotgun* I asked you a question: in order to ride a pug would you rather be shrunk to its size or have it grown to your size
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) May 31, 2013
I see my cashier. He looks familiar to me. I know him somehow — but from where? Then it hits me: I've been here a bunch of times before.
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) March 17, 2017
A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered-
Pixar: Gee it's kinda dark
…Ok a FISH is-
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) June 4, 2015
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) April 1, 2017
I don't trust the sun. Why can't we look directly at it? What is it hiding?
— Jess (@jessokfine) May 27, 2016
What's it called when you're making a podcast but you don't record it? A conversation? What's the point
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) January 30, 2016
Many people that appear "cool" actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
— Mark Magark (@markedly) August 20, 2016