Mike
Here are 15 of the best tweets I could find this week. Please enjoy.
Billy Corgan – "The world is a vampire"
Crowd – "wooooooooo"
Neil DeGrasse Tyson [loudly from back] "no it isn't"— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) July 22, 2017
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can't do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
— Unoriginal Tweeter (@LostCatDog) February 18, 2013
i'm torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) May 22, 2017
WIFE: He won't stop pretending he's on the news.
THERAPIST: Any truth to that?
ME: *shuffling papers* This just in, Karen is a goddamn liar.— Floyd is dead (@dafloydsta) August 2, 2016
Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but-
Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what
— thom, the fool (@Barknado69) December 15, 2015
"Wow 3 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know"
Me: wow 3 kids… those are pretty damn permanent CAROL
— Emily Barry (@EmiBarry) July 26, 2017
*opens youtube* I’m going to learn how to make hummus
[5 hours later]
I now know 37 ways to remove a tree stump— dan mentos (@DanMentos) July 25, 2017
what if someone offers me drugs at this party
"just play it cool"
ok
[me to guy in tank top 10 mins later] no thanks I had a big lunch— brent (@murrman5) July 26, 2017
(uses ouija board to talk to dad who died in 1999)
"W…A…A…Z…Z…Z…Z…Z…Z…Z…Z…A…A…A…A…A…A…A…A…A…A…— Elvish Presley (@_ElvishPresley_) July 27, 2017
My blood type is A+ because I'm the best at everything. Even at having blood.
— a CATastrophe (@catstronomical) January 28, 2017
Instead of complaining that it’s hard to remove glitter, accept it. Embrace it. You are a shiny person now.
— REW (@therealeatwood) January 27, 2016
Raul is one of those names where every letter sounds like it's trying to be in charge.
— Bread Savage (@papasuncle) May 27, 2017
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
"Congrats" on your baby.
Congrats on "your" baby.
Congrats on your "baby".— Bread Savage (@papasuncle) July 23, 2017
Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know…
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) October 11, 2014
i hav cat-like reflexes
"prove it"
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat— jomny sun (@jonnysun) January 3, 2015