Mike
Please enjoy this list of tweets because they are very good and I also said please.
1.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen— rob elliott (@rockymomax) July 31, 2016
2.
https://twitter.com/iamspacegirl/status/724782052344795136
3.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We've decided on the perfect name for our baby
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) March 16, 2016
4.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth— keith (@ghostkrogh) October 19, 2015
5.
[kids party]
"This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year"
Dad no
"That's.."
Please no dad
"..Inflation for you"
*kids start crying*— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) July 11, 2015
6.
sees a stranger moved to tears by the beauty of a sunset: excuse me miss, is this sky bothering you
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) July 23, 2017
7.
Nothing says, "I'm broke" like filling out the survey on the receipt for your lunch from Taco Bell.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) September 4, 2015
8.
[blind date]
HER: I'm a big country fan
ME {trying to impress her}: China is very large
— Todd 'Papi Birthday' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) July 4, 2017
9.
Wife: How did her first day of school go?
Me: Good, I think.
Wife: Did she wear the gray outfit?
Me: Did you say "gray"? pic.twitter.com/Tds5XuHnn9— Tim (@Playing_Dad) August 24, 2017
10.
BOSS: I hate "yes men."
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They're the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep— Please Be Nice To The Fragile Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) February 10, 2017
11.
BARTENDER: *cleaning a mug* what'll it be?
ME: something cold
BARTENDER: your girlfriend thinks about your brother when you're having sex.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) August 22, 2017
12.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says "prom?" was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
— chuuch (@ch000ch) August 4, 2015
13.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, "I'm GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!"
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 30, 2015
14.
I can't dance to this. My first husband was killed in a love shack.
— Lady Broseph, LPC (@ladybroseph) July 20, 2014
15.
[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?
— brent (@murrman5) July 3, 2017