Ask your doctor if HilariousTweets are right for you. (they are)
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing's for bears
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 17, 2017
what kind of dressing is on that salad oh nice mine is 1001 islands no big deal though
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) July 20, 2017
Every rock song from 1975-89 fit one of these
1. I wanna rock
2. I'll never stop rocking
3. Parents hate rock
4. I'm horny for a 14 year old
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) September 7, 2017
we promise our cheesy bread is the cheesiest or we'll kill one employee an hour until you agree
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) November 14, 2013
Next time you meet someone with the same first name as you, act like you didn't know that was a thing and get mad at them for it.
— MJ (@sucittaM) June 25, 2017
Superman doesn't have to put his arms up to fly, it's not more aerodynamic or anything. He's just showing off
Wife [googling divorce] What?
— stiv (@lawbsterfest) May 24, 2017
girl at the bar: You're funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 16, 2017
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
— Jess (@jessokfine) April 3, 2015
*covers thighs in powdered sugar like an Olympic gymnast*
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) August 12, 2016
[introducing coworkers as they walk into work like they're a starting lineup] shes 5'2 only owns 3 outfits and still owes me SIX DOLLAAAAARS
— brent (@murrman5) June 12, 2017
What's up guys Epic Prank Dad 87 here, today my son thinks he's going to the zoo but instead I'm going to hit him with my car
— vineyille (@vineyille) May 2, 2017
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
— Chris Stephens (@ChrisStephensMD) September 6, 2017
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I'm definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back "lol" after a few minutes.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) March 8, 2014
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) January 6, 2015
I saw a guy rip open a box at the grocery store and shove a handful of frozen chicken nuggets into his pocket, so I guess my life is ok.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) September 29, 2016