Kick off your week with some ha-has.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 10, 2015
as a kid, Halloween was cool bc it was the only time you got to see inside of that one weird neighbor's house for a few sec
— chuuch (@ch000ch) September 11, 2017
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) February 14, 2013
ME: [dropping pizza] five second rule
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [gently slitting my throat] linear time is an illusion of perspective
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) January 27, 2017
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "not great man ive got diarrhea" i told him
— deg (@degg) October 13, 2013
you, watching the mask: I want what he's smokin haha
me: he's not on any drugs. it's that mask. it makes him act wild
— slick (@dlicj) August 31, 2017
some babies are born premature but i was born very mature i just came out and i was like so what
— famous crab 2016 (@famouscrab) May 19, 2013
Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand
— Honestly, tanks (@Burger_Time_) January 24, 2015
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
— Froghammer (@froghammer) October 5, 2012
Girl: Some1 in my house can't call 911 they'll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don't seem desperate): hey
— derek (@eedrk) July 17, 2017
Sign says World's Largest Ravioli. "Where's the filling?" people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) June 30, 2017
*at the table factory*
Lets make a really tall tiny one
BOSS: get your head out of the clouds McPodium
— Honestly, tanks (@Burger_Time_) May 17, 2015
in any relationship, you have to work out which one of you is going in the vents, and which one is going to yell instructions over the radio
— Rapunzel Hotfix (@direlog) February 17, 2014
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