Mike
The jokes keep coming and coming. Every week I put this post together and every week there’s a plentiful bounty of great tweets to choose from. It truly is a golden age of tweets. It almost makes you forget society could fall at any moment.
1.
what do flight attendants laugh about so much in their little section at the front of the plane, tell us your secret jokes you flying bastards
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) September 23, 2019
2.
high school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
my college professor: pic.twitter.com/ivKLR4afxX
— M (@atmckenna) October 16, 2019
3.
have you or a family member ever dated a guy named matt. you maybe entitled to compensation
— discount miranda cosgrove (@sarahworseryer) October 15, 2019
4.
I use Pedialyte so much for hangovers that I forgot it was used for anything else. Just saw a baby drinking it and my first thought was damn this baby is sloppy as shit hungover on a Monday morning
— Moss Perricone (@mossperricone) October 14, 2019
5.
if a centaur had a dick would it be like THIS or like THIS: pic.twitter.com/HoXY0oAu6D
— erin chack (@ErinChack) October 17, 2019
6.
He was so terrified when we brought him home 2 days ago, now he’s a member of the family❤️ pic.twitter.com/AaZpBQ2kP3
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) October 6, 2019
7.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
— Russell James (@RbenzHF) October 11, 2019
8.
who wore it better pic.twitter.com/RBDCYLsdCu
— LILAFRIMANE (@LORAFRIMANEE) October 11, 2019
9.
— ddlt (@dezdelatorre) October 8, 2019
10.
I’m sorry but the idea of Star Trek cosplayers walking around a Renaissance Faire like time travelers will always be hilarious and amazing to me. pic.twitter.com/pcNtrJ3QfE
— Hell is Empty (So fill it with Nazis) (@Sleestak) October 11, 2019
11.
Twitter is a dating service for matching strangers with the hills that they didn’t know they wanted to die on
— Rob Manuel – follow @fesshole (@robmanuel) October 16, 2019
12.
It’s smart of Trudeau to hold the election before Halloween, I mean why even tempt yourself?
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) October 17, 2019
13.
Welcome to the Splash Zone, Italian Translator. pic.twitter.com/IDaBGd8LkM
— John Heilemann (@jheil) October 16, 2019
14.
Ridiculous that they made a movie about a man who can talk to the animals. Anyone can talk to the animals. This morning I told a swan to fuck off.
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) October 15, 2019
15.
hey TSA how you gonna take my toothpaste cause it’s “too big” but let me board with all this ass?
— parker (@allergic_2_sex) October 14, 2019