Tag Archives: psychology

Maslow's Hierarchy of Internet Needs (IMAGE)

Posted on July 14, 2010 by Jeff Wysaski

Maslow’s classic hierarchy of needs has now been updated and adapted for the Internet age:


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Can’t A Guy Wear a Tinfoil Hat These Days Without Being Called Crazy?

Posted on November 10, 2009 by Jeff Wysaski

Why is that when a perfectly normal, decently attractive man steps out into the world wearing a tin foil hat, everyone automatically thinks he’s crazy? Is it really that implausible that someone might just LIKE the way a tin foil hat looks on his head?

I mean, seriously, a tin foil hat is more affordable, versatile and sparkly than pretty much any store-bought hat you can buy. What’s not to like?

tin foil hatNot everyone who wears a tin foil hat does it because they believe the government is listening in on their thoughts, you know? I mean, I do believe that. 100 percent. But it’s not the PRIMARY reason that I wear this hat.

After all, I could wear any number of hats to meet that goal – iron helmet, enchanted wizard cap, hollowed-out watermelon. It’s just, I CHOOSE to wear a tin foil hat because I like the way it hides my bald spot. Also, if Medusa ever sneaks up behind me, BAM! She catches a glimpse of her reflection and she’s turned to stone.

So, you see, we’re not ALL crazy conspiracy theorists who believe aliens are on their way to earth to round up all us humans so they can sell us to an intergalactic space zoo. Obviously, that’s just not true. Any sane person will tell you that the aliens are ALREADY HERE, slowly picking us off one by one!

And if you think you’re safe just because you’re a cartoon breakfast cereal mascot, think again. Because guess what? Toucan Sam works for them, now.

So you see, it just so happens that a few outspoken bad apples have spoiled the bunch when it comes to wearing tin foil hats. It’s a lot like how Adolf Hitler ruined the perfectly harmless-looking toothbrush mustache for everyone else (which I also obviously also have).

And sorry guys, but not everybody who wears Kleenex boxes for shoes is named Howard Hughes and has an unhealthy fear of germs. I’d show you my driver’s license to prove it, but I burned all my government-issue forms of identification to keep the the FDA from infecting me with the flu vaccine. So you’ll just have to take my word for it.

Come on everyone, this is the 21st century! I thought we put all those narrow-minded thoughts and stereotypes behind us. I mean, just because someone is wearing a New York Yankees hat, that doesn’t automatically mean he’s a Yankees fan! For all you know, he could just be a regular, run-of-the-mill demonic shapeshifter from Hell trying to blend in with human society.

So yeah, when I put it that way, don’t you just feel like an dumb idiot?

Look, I’m sorry I lost my temper. I don’t usually yell at people (just the invisible spiders that try to attack me on street corners). It’s just, I’ve been dealing with weird looks and whisperings behind my back for way too long. I apologize.

Now, can anyone at this middle school bake sale stop clutching her child to her chest long enough to help me out of this straightjacket!? Those little pots filled with the Gummi worms and crushed up Oreo cookie “dirt” just look delicious.

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How To Feel Like A Big Shot

Posted on August 11, 2009 by Jeff Wysaski

Everyone likes feeling important. Unfortunately, for far too many of us, a life of elevated status and power are just not in the cards. Whether you’re dumb, unlucky, lazy or just plain annoying, the fact is that you are way too inadequate to ever experience what it’s like to be an actual big shot.

80s big shotsLuckily, there are plenty of quick fixes that even the scummiest of human beings can employ in order to boost their self-esteem and experience momentary delusions of grandeur. If you’ve been searching for ways to feel like a big shot (without actually accomplishing anything), then here are some surefire ways to achieve it:

Carry a Gun

If you can’t earn the respect of your peers, then simply demand it from them with a gun. Have you found yourself blending into the walls at office parties or at the school dance? Well, just try to be ignored when you walk into the break room, gymnasium or local bank brandishing a gun. With that gun in your hands, you’re telling the world, “I am powerful. Pay attention to me!” If you like, you can literally yell this phrase out repeatedly to drive home the point, but trust me, the gun says it all. With all those eyes on you, there’s no doubt you’ll feel like a big shot (bonus: your penis will also feel bigger).

Prey on the Weak and the Old

Picking on easy targets is one of the simplest ways to feel like a big shot. Why? Because no matter how weak you are, there’s always someone more frail or pathetic than you. Bully a nerd or push around an old lady, and you’ll be surprised how quickly your ego soars. Bonus: use your newfound power to steal that old lady’s purse, and you’ve also found a solid source of supplementary income!

Listen to Hip-Hop Music

For some reason, listening to other, more powerful men brag about their many accomplishments makes even the meekest of people feel like a big shot. Spending all that cash, sipping on all that Cristal, sleeping with all those girls with the “apple-bottom jeans” – it’s just all so inspirational. Throw in a club beat and an autotuner, and all the sheer, unbridled power of that hip-hop beat SHOOTS out of the speakers and goes directly to your head.

Achieve a False Level of Elevated Status

The real big shots land jobs as executives or high-powered government officials. However, you hardly need a REAL position of power to feel like a big shot. Got an entry-level job at the local grocery store or Blockbuster video? Good. Stay there. Stick it out for 5 to 20 years, and eventually you’ll be promoted. Shift manager, team leader, head cashier, it doesn’t matter. That elevated status means one thing: you have underlings. And with underlings comes the ability to boss said underlings around at your will. Out there in the real world you may be a nobody, but in the confines of that faceless retail outlet, you are king. And guess what, Henry VIII? No one’s more of a big shot than the RULER OF AN ENTIRE KINGDOM!

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