Alex Buscemi
The world of medicine is full of surprises, and sometimes, those surprises are downright hilarious.
Doctors have taken to Reddit to share the most ridiculous things they couldn’t believe they had to explain to patients.
We’ve rounded up some of the most memorable tales, ranging from laugh-out-loud absurdities to the kind of head-scratchers that make you question how anyone gets through life.
Whether it’s a dentist explaining why Comet isn’t toothpaste or a doctor dealing with a patient who refuses to give up 30 cups of coffee a day, these anecdotes are a testament to the unexpected moments that come with keeping people healthy.
Scroll through for a glimpse into the strange side of medicine, as told by the people who’ve seen it all.
1.
I don’t want my baby to get a vaccine because Jenny McCarthy’s book says her son got Autism from the Thimerosal in his MMR vaccine.
– Jenny McCarthy is a one-time playboy model who wants to sell you her books.
– MMR is a live vaccine and does not contain Thimerosal.
– Thimerosal contains Ethylmercury which clears from your body in ~10 days unlike methylmercury which stays for months and actually causes damage.
– Measles killed 135,000 people in the world last year.
– Autism has a strong genetic component. If one identical twin has it, there is a 75% chance the other will as well.
– Andrew Wakefield faked the research linking autism to MMR vaccine, lost his license to practice medicine, and made millions helping lawyers sue and selling books. He lives in a mansion in England.I went to school for 11 years, spent 10,000 hours studying and just want to make sure your child stays healthy. Quit thinking your 5 minutes of internet research means anything, get over yourself, and vaccinate your damn baby.
2.
Well it looks like she is about 30 days pregnant, congrats!
How can she be pregnant she is only around her brother?
…well actually they don’t follow the same moral code as you or I.
– veterinarian.
3.
Not a doctor, but my human sexuality professor in grad school had some interesting stories. He worked a lot in very conservative Christian communities and so a lot of times people got married with no sex education. He had one couple who couldn’t get pregnant. Turns out they thought sleeping together literally meant sleeping in the same bed. Another couple was in therapy because neither one of them enjoyed sex or ever had an orgasm. After having them talk through step by step what they did in bed, he learned the guy was just sticking it in and nothing else. He told the guy to move back and forth next time and see what happened. The couple came back one more time to say “THANK YOU!!!!!” and didn’t need any more sessions.
4.
That the 30+ cups of coffee he was drinking every day could possibly be the cause of his chief complaints of anxiety and insomnia. He said he was not willing to give this up or try decaf.
5.
Medical Assistant to a cataract surgeon here.
If you sleep in your contact lenses long enough, they will fuse to your eyes and will need surgery to have them removed. Yes, you can go blind from this. For the love of God, don’t sleep in your contact lenses.
6.
My sister (who is a new redditor and I hope sees this) is a doctor. 25 years ago, when she had her very first patient out of residency, this patient refused to allow her to see her breasts (which were sore and needed a mammogram to check out a lump). So my sister asks why, and this girl, who is about 30 and single, said matter-of-factly, “Oh. That’s lesbian. We can’t do that. It’s against the lord’s wishes.” She loves telling this story at the dinner table during family gatherings, especially to our religious side.
7.
I was a newly minted graduate with fresh and optimistic views on my life as a doctor. Second week in came this old lady and her very dysfunctional family.
They would argue and complain about everything, from the food, the nurses they didn’t like, and every single medical decision we made. She was very sick, so her management was just as complicated.
She had several children, and they all didn’t like one another and would not talk to one another. Each time, we would have to explain a long update to every single one of them because they “are entitled to hear it from a doctor.”
One of these stories involved sitting down and explaining why you don’t give Gatorade as an IV drip. They did not understand why we were giving “salt water” to her.
Conversation with her son:
“Look, she likes Gatorade. She is drinking it, so why can’t you give it to her through her drip?”
We explain why.
Son frowns. “But it’s isotonic.”
We explain again.
“Yes, but Gatorade has more electrolytes.”
We explain again.
“Salt water just seems to be too cheap. Can’t you give her something else closer to Gatorade? That has electrolytes?”
Continues for two hours. Wash and repeat every day during her admission.
Afterward, I told my fiancé. He opened up a scene from Idiocracy on YouTube, and I just sat there with my mouth open for a while.
8.
Patient made an appointment and brought in his s**t in a box. He was concerned about the size of his turd and if it’s normal. All he got from the visit was, “Normal turd. Yes, it’s pretty wide.”
Turd box was set out with biohazard waste. Waste guy thought it was a misplaced package and put it on the front desk. Secretary got quite the surprise that day.
9.
Patient comes in at 2am for insomnia, clearly tweaking her brains out, heart rate 200. Can’t sit still, bouncing off the walls. I suggest maybe easing up on the cocaine. “But doctor, I LOVE cocaine.” K.
10.
I’m not a doctor, but I suppose this is related. My mother (before she had kids) grew up not even knowing that you could breastfeed a baby. She was never told anything about what breasts were for, sex, or even about homosexuality.
Her parents never talked about any topic that was considered taboo. My mother learned about that once she had her first baby, subsequently at 16.
11.
My brother is a general practitioner in rural Tennessee. Enough said, right?
He says most of his patient visits go about like this:
MD: “Well, person, you’re pre-diabetic, have high blood pressure, and are complaining about joint pain. Have you been exercising and cutting out sugar and carbs?”
Person: “Yeah I have, doc, but it doesn’t seem to help. Do you have any better meds you could prescribe?”
MD: “Well, let’s talk about your diet. How much water do you drink a day?”
Person: “I don’t like water, so I get extra ice in my sweet tea every day to make sure I get enough water.”
MD (explains how that’s not enough water by a long shot): “How much sweet tea are you drinking every day? Those can have a lot of sugar in them.”
Person: “Well, I get a large one from Hardee’s/McDonald’s/wherever on my way to work with my breakfast, and another one on my way home for dinner. Then I have a glass or two when I get home.”
MD: “Well, that’s a lot of sugar. And a lot of fast food if you are eating it twice a day. What do you eat at home?”
Person: “I don’t like to cook, so I usually don’t eat anything but Little Debbie snack cakes at home.”
MD: “Those have a lot of sugar too…”
Person: “I thought that all I had to do was cut out Mountain Dew! Now you’re saying I can’t eat my food or my snacks?! What are you suggesting I do? Eat salads for every meal?! Why can’t you just up my meds?!”
12.
There was a nursing student I had once who laughed loudly and exclaimed, “How can you possibly get an STD in your mouth?” Ahh, the innocence of youth.
13.
Not a doctor, dental hygienist.
Had to explain that brushing your teeth with Comet (the cleaner) was not a good way to clean your teeth to a 40-year-old woman.
Also had to tell a woman that painting her teeth with white fingernail polish was a bad idea.
14.
I was living in China and taught English on the side to a student whose mother was a physician. This was in 2012, just prior to the London Olympics. The mother wanted to send her daughter to London with a school group to watch the Olympics but had reservations about it. I asked why. She said she was worried that her daughter would catch AIDS from using the public toilets. Yes, a doctor.
15.
Lady had a broken jaw. She comes in after two weeks with an open mandible fracture. Referred her to the hospital for immediate surgery. She never went because it “doesn’t bother her and she’ll see if it gets better.”
16.
I had severe asthma as a kid. I was intubated for a severe attack a few times. My parents were instructed to take better precautions in our home and went through instructions: more dusting, washing bedsheets, etc., and the big one, NO SMOKING inside the house. So my parents agreed to all of this.
A few weeks later, I’m back in the hospital. A doctor recognized me and came over to talk. Then he bent over and smelled my head (I’ll never forget that; I thought it was so weird). He told a nurse to sit there and not let me leave with my parents. When my parents showed up, he asked point blank:
“Did you not understand what I told you last time? Do you understand these attacks could be fatal?”
“But we open windows and have stopped smoking in her room when we put her to bed.” :/.
17.
Not a doctor (yet) but an ER tech for ~2 years. Mom comes in with her baby plus two more older kids. Complains that the baby hasn’t pooped in a while and won’t stop crying. As I’m settling them in with one of the nurses, the baby is bawling, like opera singer lungs bawling. Suddenly mom whips out a white plastic shopping bag and sticks an end in the kid’s mouth, saying, “This is the only way she stops crying.” Nurse and I share a look and immediately order an emergency x-ray on the kid’s stomach. Turns out she had ingested a good amount of these bags, and it was blocking up her stomach. Big deal, potentially life-threatening. When we confront the mom about her baby-feeding habits, her only words of defense are, “Well, I checked all over the bag, and I couldn’t find anything that said ‘non-edible.’”
18.
My friend is a student doctor and is on placement at a small-town doctor’s office. She had a 70-ish-year-old woman come in with complaints of a small but painless growth that was visible at the back of her throat.
Turns out it took her 70 years to notice her uvula.
19.
A few years ago, the subject of human anatomy came up between a friend and me. He went on this whole tangent about how all men have uteruses because his college professor said so. I don’t know if his professor was trying to explain trans men and some wires got crossed or what. But I had to explain to this fully grown man that he did not, nor did any natural-born male, have a uterus. I sent him diagrams and told him to Google for himself if he didn’t believe me. He said those were fake, “Professor so and so said!” I asked him where he thought his uterus was, and he said, “The same place yours is.” When I countered with, “Oh, you have a vagina?” he got quite angry and said men don’t have vaginas. I explained that not having a vagina means not having a uterus. He laughed at me and said, “Okay, just go ahead and believe that.”
20.
As a veterinarian, I had a 10-minute conversation with an owner explaining which side was the dog’s left side.
21.
I’m a paramedic and recently transported an idiot who self-presented to the local hospital, who found he was having a heart attack (STEMI) and needed him sent to a bigger hospital for treatment.
During my assessment, I asked him how long he’d been having chest pain. “On and off for twelve months,” he tells me.
Any family history? (One of the biggest indicators). “Oh, yes. Dad died of a heart attack. Brother died of a heart attack. Both of them first presentation, stone dead on the spot, no messing about.”
So… you have a 12-month history of intermittent chest pain, and a family history of your closest male relatives spontaneously chucking hearties and dying, and you’ve never got it investigated. Furthermore, the only reason you came to the hospital tonight is because your family badgered you into it.
I told him he needed a solid kick in the a**. To his credit, he agreed.
22.
Dentist here.
Things I’ve had to explain to parents:
1. Breast milk CAN cause cavities.
2. Don’t put your kids to bed with a bottle of Coke in it. (They then switched to Diet Coke)… facepalm.
3. Don’t wiggle out your permanent teeth just because the tooth fairy will give you money.
4. You can’t brush cavities away with toothpaste or any of these new Internet fads (oil pulling, honey, chocolate). Once your cavity is deep enough, it needs to be fixed by a dentist.
5. Fluoride isn’t poison any more than table salt is poison. Small quantities are good for you. Anyone who tells you otherwise has been lied to and believed it.I have plenty more, but I’d have to think harder.
Edit: Had a few questions about #3. There was a little guy, probably 8 years old or so, who had wiggled out his four lower PERMANENT incisors (front teeth) after wiggling out his four baby teeth in the corresponding spots because his family made such a big deal about giving him money from the tooth fairy. They were in my office asking when the new teeth would be coming in…. had to tell them NEVER.
23.
My Dad’s answer (I am not a doctor): My dad had to tell a patient that they were not pregnant. The patient was male.
24.
Had a patient in our high-priority area for DKA. Sugar was in the 800s. Stomach pain, nausea, vomiting, and the like. Pulled Burger King and gummy worms out of his backpack and proceeded to eat them. Like bro, do you even know what diabetes is? Noncompliance and lack of medical knowledge is a big thing in Detroit.
25.
I’m an ER doc and see this far too often with young and middle-aged people with minor aches.
Patient: I have some *insert pain in random joint/limb/back* since yesterday.
Me: Did you take anything for the pain?
Patient: No, I didn’t.
Me: Why?
Here’s where I get multiple equally stupid answers from people:
A: I wanted to see a doctor first (why??????? These people have mild pain and are willing to wait for hours for no reason).
B: I don’t know what to take (how does anyone from the age of 15 onwards not know about Tylenol/Advil/generic OTC pain meds is beyond me).
C: I don’t like taking pills (the f**k do you think I’m going to do, lay hands and make it better? I’m not a f*****g paladin!).
26.
Stepmom is an ER nurse. She used to tell stories about her fun patients. My favorite was always this:
A severely drunk guy came in with signs of alcohol poisoning. They put a urethral catheter in him so he wouldn’t pee himself. He didn’t quite understand what it was and why he had it in his d**k and kept messing with it.
At one point, he tried pulling it out, and my stepmom (she’s not the very best at subtlety, mind you) leaned over and said in his ear, “If you pull that out now, your d**k will never work again.” Well, wouldn’t you know it? He stopped trying to pull it out after that.
27.
So I’m an EMT, but I want to weigh in here.
I had to tell a patient with severe pneumonia (and the patient’s family) that you don’t get sick (i.e., catch a cold) by leaving your skin exposed. The family was vehemently debating me on the fact, claiming that I had no idea what I was talking about because I’m not a doctor.
Attempting to explain to them the necessity for a foreign body to enter your system was the most preposterous thing to them.
28.
Nurse here. Retired after 27 years on the job. The number of American 20-somethings that don’t know if they’re circumcised or not is surprisingly high. When one with urinary tract infection symptoms needs to give a specimen for testing, I ask, “Are you circumcised?” If not, I have to tell them to pull back the foreskin before peeing in the cup. The number of guys who have asked, “What’s that?” is way too many. For the record, I can count the number who were uncircumcised on two hands.
29.
That having sex gets you pregnant. It was a 20+ year old woman that couldn’t grasp the idea that sex leads to pregnancy. She thought that in order for a man and a woman to have children, they needed to be married first and then have a baby. That sex was just an act unrelated to it.
Then again, we are talking about a small rural community in the middle of nowhere, Mexico.
30.
A mother came in with her son to discuss treating his acne. The son was about 15 years old and didn’t really care about the acne, but the mom did. After going over treatment options, she asked if he just needed to “do it” to get rid of the acne. A grown woman with a child thought that by him having sex, his acne would magically go away.
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