If I Were Something Else

If I were an ant, the first thing I would do is find a way to overtake the lead ant at the top of the hill. That way, when I took his place, I could turn to my friends whenever I wanted and say, “Is it just me, or does everyone look like ants from way up here?”

If I were a fish I’d be extra sure to never eat a big, fat worm floating in the water, even if I was really hungry. Because I’d rather die of starvation than be a stinking, slimy fish.

If I were a bear I’d spend all my time learning how to tie a Windsor knot. That way, when the news channels come looking for all those missing Boy Scouts, I’ll be dressed for the part.

If I were a tomato I’d try my darnedest to find a gardener who listened to the radio. Any station would be fine with me, as long as it kept that loudmouth gardener from talking to me all day. Hello!? Trying to grow here!

If I were a dog I would roll around in the dirt and lick my crotch every chance I got, because, man, that’s the life.

If I were a cat I’d probably have to start drinking a lot coffee because, seriously, I can’t afford to fall asleep every time the sunlight passes across my thinking chair. I’ve got thinking to do, damn it.

If I were a goose, I’d hang back during migration and let someone else lead flock. Sure, we’d miss out on that really great secret shortcut I know about, but if I led the way, THEN IT WOULDN’T BE A SECRET ANYMORE!

If I were a virus, I wouldn’t want to infect anyone who was too weak. Everyone knows I like a challenge.

If I were a monkey I’d pound on my chest, kick up dirt and get into the faces of everyone who opposes me. Because when you’re a monkey playing football, you’ve got to show the other team who’s boss.

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