Wedding Plans

When filling out the seating chart, make sure to put Kenny and Mark on opposite sides of the room. Let’s see those Siamese twins try to figure that one out!

When the ring bearer walks down the aisle, that little guy better be crying nice and loud. My fiancée wants a fairy tale wedding and, from what I hear, the Boy Who Cried Wolf is one of her favorites.

If you can swing it, get Celine Dion to show up and sing “The Power of Love” at the reception. Because she’s on “my list” and I think it would be a perfect time to go ahead and make that dream come true.

I think it would make the guests smile to see a bunch of old childhood photos projected on the wall. Especially if the photos are of Asian kids because, man, they’re the cutest.

I don’t want people throwing rice when we go running off into the limo. Not because it might hurt the birds that come along and eat it, but because some of it may get on my jacket. And I don’t want my wife thinking her new husband has some sort of dandruff problem.

How about a bunch of strobe lights and flashing lasers for the dance floor? I want my dad to have a good time and that sort of thing always gets him moving. Mostly, you know, because of the seizures.

The wedding colors are white and gold. So unless you’re Caucasian or a human statue, you’re not getting in.

Let’s have lots of drinking because, come on, this is supposed to be a celebration! Also, because of all the saltines.

Make sure I don’t see my wife-to-be before the ceremony. I want to really be wowed at the ceremony when I see her, and the guys at the mail-order agency tell me she’s much prettier in person. Here’s hoping!

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