Thoughts on Christianity

I don’t know if any animals get into heaven, but if they do, you’ve got to believe the praying mantis is up there. Because they look like sticks and can probably slip right past security.

Each Christian religion has different rules for getting into heaven. If you’re worried about following the wrong ones, here’s a surefire way to guarantee you live happily for eternity: just eat the souls of children.

In the Bible, the apostles write a lot about loving your neighbor and helping your fellow man. Now, I wasn’t raised a Christian, but I don’t have to be one to agree that this is pretty much the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

Christians like to tell me that Jesus is the son of God. Well if that’s true, then who’s this Mary I keep hearing so much about!?!

Moses and the Israelites wandered around the desert for 40 years. Hey guys, swallow that pride and ask for directions already!

The other day I was walking around my neighborhood and my mind got away from me. I started thinking, “what if I ran into Noah right now?” Boy, I’d have a lot of questions for that guy, that’s for sure. Question 1:  What the heck are you doing here on Skid Row? Prostitutes, I bet.

For some reason, lots of people just assume that Jesus was Caucasian. But when you look at the facts, it’s pretty easy to rule that one out. I mean, even his name is in Spanish!

Sometimes I wonder if God is even watching. Or if he simply has an earpiece that allows him to directly monitor our thoughts.

Church music is so inspiring and uplifting. I don’t know why, but whenever I hear it, I just have to get up out of my chair and start changing the radio station.

You know what should replace unleavened bread as the symbol for the Body of Christ? A skeleton with a beard.

You May Also Like: