What I Want

I want that annoying girl to leave me alone. I want her to stop calling my cell phone, to stop showing up at my front door and to stop asking why I “married her in the first place.”

I want a job that pays good money. Or bad money. As long as there’s a lot of it, I don’t guess it matters.

I want digital cable with all the movie channels. And a flat-screen TV that I can watch it on. And a wall mount to put the TV on. And a house with a wall to put the wall mount on. And also, a pair of human eyes so I can see the movies.

I want a fat suit. You know, for “impressing girls.”

I want to adopt a child. I wouldn’t be too picky, just so long as it was healthy and happy. And white.

I want to invent a new kind of cereal. One that’s healthy, made with bran and has just the right amount of natural sweetness. Maybe from raisins. Like, two scoops of them in every box. And maybe the mascot for the cereal could be, like, a cartoon sun with “cool” sunglasses on. And on the box he’s holding the raisins, one in each arm. And both of the raisins are real sexy cartoon girl raisins, and the sun is making out with both of them. You know, because the raisins are “sun-kissed?” Mr. Kellogg’s should really call me back about this idea.

I want a tuxedo for special occasions. Like my funeral.

I want a really big, fancy dinner with a 10-lb. turkey and all the trimmings. And by trimmings, I mean another, smaller turkey (for garnishing).

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