Crackpot Woman Foolishly Suggests, “Maybe It ISN’T Maybelline”

Leticia Ward, Blasphemer
Leticia Ward, Blasphemer

Despite all that is good and decent in this world, it seems a few bad apples continually try to spoil the bunch. One such bad apple, Leticia Ward, reared her ugly head this past weekend at a small TV get-together between her and a few friends.

The evening started innocently enough. Leticia invited half a dozen women over to her house under the pretenses of watching Lost (a popular ABC television program). To sweeten the deal, Leticia even promised a “full-on taco bar, complete with three different types of salsa.” However, Leticia’s true motives eventually came to bear during the first commercial break of the TV program, at which point she brazenly and ruthlessly thrust forth her personal agenda upon her unsuspecting “friends” by suggesting, “Maybe it ISN’T Maybelline.

This statement was immediately met with a slew of gasps, followed quickly by an ominous awkward silence that all but killed the jovial mood that had filled the room only moments before. Certainly, this reaction is the only plausible one that could have occurred, given the fact that the inarguable statement “Maybe it’s Maybelline” is one of the most widely accepted and beloved universal truths known to mankind.

Margaret Spivey, a long-time friend of the heretic, was especially appalled: “I mean, as a dedicated viewer of Lost, I’m used to being barraged with any number of preposterous plot threads and unanswerable questions, but what Letty said is so incredulous, that not even the faithless Jack Shepard would buy into such an unfounded theory.”

Though Leticia Ward claims the comment was, “just a joke,” only the most godless and sickened souls would find humor in such a twisted and misguided statement.

Angela Stokes, another victim of Miss Ward’s hate speech, was certainly not one of these people. When asked for comment, she had this to say: “Maybe it ISN’T Maybelline? Okay fine, you want to say that, then show me the proof. Where’s your proof? Obviously, Leticia needs to familiarize herself with some of the literature on the subject before making such wild accusations. For God’s sake, pick up a Cosmo magazine – they weren’t wrong about those 6 Ways to A Steamier Orgasm and they’re not wrong about this! Why? Because above all else, Cosmo prints the truth!”

For a completely different viewpoint on the inflammatory statement, Pleated Jeans reached out to Lindsay Owen-Jones, Chairman of the Board for L’Oreal (which owns Maybelline): “Well what’s there to say? The woman’s obviously mad. Where’s her proof? If she wants to say that, then show me the proof! I mean, next thing you know she’s going to be telling me DON’T trust the Gorton’s Fisherman or to tune in at a DIFFERENT bat time, DIFFERENT bat channel. Please.”

While these educated individuals were not swayed by Leticia Ward’s statement in the slightest, we understand that less knowledgeable individuals on the subject may be more easily taken in by such remarks. That is why Pleated Jeans recommends you, dear readers, do everything possible to educate your friends and family members. Knock on doors, read women’s interest magazines out loud on the street corner, take friend to the makeup counter at Macy’s – do whatever it takes to stomp out this unwarranted and libelous new theory before it gains traction. And as for Miss Ward, well you needn’t worry about her demonic mouth spewing forth lies any longer. Mrs. Spivey and other concerned citizens burned her at the stake earlier this week.

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