What’s So Wrong With The Way I Dress?

Hey chica, what’s your problem? Lucas doesn’t just talk to anyone, you know? Out of all the illin’ babes up in this shopping mall, you two are the only ones he felt were WORTHY of being graced by his supreme presence. So why you gotta go and dis the way Lucas dresses, huh?

80sBadFashionOh, and FYI. Just in case your brains are like your mouth (i.e. stupid), I’M LUCAS! That’s right, I talk in the third person! Why? Because it’s his favorite mode of literary storytelling, THAT’S WHY! And, anyway, Lucas’ life is just as EPIC and GRIPPING as any Danielle Steele novel, so he figures, why not narrate it as such!?

Laughing? You’re laughing at Lucas!? Ha, that’s rich! Okay, then. Tell me: what’s so wrong with the way I dress!? Go on – Lucas wants to know! Lucas will have you know, Lucas makes it a point to ONLY wear designer clothes. See that label right there? That bad boy tells you this jean jacket is GENUINE Z. Cavaricci!!

If you think it’s some cheap knock-off, think again. Lucas isn’t one to brag, but he pretty much rakes in the dough at work. Where at? Oh, just a little place called LADY FOOT LOCKER! And, yeah, he’s been a shift manager for like 3 months now – so yeah, let’s just say Lucas isn’t getting paid minimum wage, because that shit comes with an extra 30 cents an hour!

Who wears Z. Cavaricci, you ask? Oh, I don’t know – how about the entire starring cast for a little show called Saved by the Bell!? Yeah, that’s right – Kelly, A.C., Zach, Lisa Turtle – heck even Mr. Belding was hip enough to zip up some Z. Cavaricci! So if you’re doggin’ on the Lucas style, then I guess you’re doggin’ on the entire 1993 graduating class of Bayside High!

Lucas doesn’t even know where you get off jockin on his killer style, anyway. Look at you two – both wearing purple? Ha – okay what is this, 1987!?!? Seriously, get with the flippin program!

Lucas thought you showed potential. Lucas was gonna take you shopping, you know? He would have shown you all the brands. We’re talking Esprit, Girbaud, Guess? – and for that bombin dressed down look? B.U.M. Equipment, ya’ll!

But it looks like that’s just not gonna happen anymore. Just as well, I suppose. Cause you obviously don’t know ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING when it comes to lookin fly. Lucas could have hooked you up with a 15 percent discount at the LFL, you know? But looks like you’re stuck payin full-price for your British Knights from now on.

So I hope you’re happy. Maybe next time you’ll think twice before you talk about something you know absolutely zilch about. You two enjoy those McFlurries, okay? I mean that. Because Lucas ain’t no hater. He may pity you. But he’s not gonna hate on you.

Alright, well Lucas has gotta jet. It’s time for his mid-afternoon reapply of L.A. Looks hair gel. And this 1-week’s worth of blonde facial stubble isn’t gonna admire itself. So if you wanna apologize, Lucas will be hittin up the reflective glass outside the Lord & Taylor. And if not, well then that’s your loss, baby.

Check ya later. Oh, and one more thing – Lucas rules, okay? And don’t ever forget it.

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