My Name Should Be On A Plaque Somewhere

Okay, so I was thinking the other day, “Hey, I’m pretty awesome.” This is pretty much a fact that everyone knows. How do they know? Well, I tell them, of course. All the time.

But then I got to thinking, well what happens when I’m not around? I mean, as it stands now, I have to be in the same room for people to know how awesome I am. And sure, I can walk into as many rooms as I want and yell, “HEY, I’M PRETTY AWESOME,” but trust me, that can get pretty time consuming after awhile.

Lucky bastard
Lucky bastard

That’s why I think my name should be on a plaque somewhere. That way, people can look at it and know right away how awesome I am.

Plus, for all those people who doubt how awesome I am when I tell them – BAM! There’s a plaque right there on the wall that PROVES it! Yeah! That would really shut Donnie up!

Honestly, I’m surprised my name isn’t on a plaque somewhere already. I mean, to have a plaque made in your honor, you’ve got to accomplish one of three things – achievement, merit or corporate excellence. And I totally have accomplished all three of these things.

Is it because people think I’m too humble to accept such a prestigious award of recognition? Because that’s simply not true.

That’s why I think my name should be on a plaque somewhere. And this wouldn’t be an ordinary plaque. “WOW! That is one sophisticated plaque,” people will say as they gaze upon the artisan-crafted black and gold Florentine border edging. And the frame? Well, everyone will be TOTALLY CAPTIVATED when they see that it’s a 100 percent NATURAL wood finish.

What kind of wood? Rosewood. Definitely rosewood.

The plaque itself? Well, of course the lettering will be PRECISION LASER-ETCHED in polished brass and dropped on a marbled onyx black background. Not midnight. Not sable. Onyx. What can I say? I’m a sucker for the classics.

Yep, everything about the plaque will hint at just how awesome I am. And to finish off that one-two punch, the words will just outright say it.

What will those words say, exactly? Well my name will be on there, of course (size 16 font, at least). And the plaque will have some sort of super prestigious title, like “Diamond Achievement Award” or “Flame of Excellence.” Seriously, how cool would that be?

Then, there would be a little blurb explaining the plaque. I’m not sure exactly what the terminology would be, but the phrases “super awesome,” “outstanding effort” and “babe magnet” would definitely be in there. Then, to close it all out there would be a date that gives people an idea of when I achieved this unprecedented level of supreme excellence. That date? 2009 – Infinity.

Where should my plaque be placed? Probably somewhere with a lot of foot traffic. That way, we could make sure as many people as possible know how awesome I really am. I’m not really picky, but if we could swing it, I suppose the best place would be on a museum wall somewhere between a Van Gogh and a Picasso. That way, not only will lots of people get to see it, but it will also let everyone know that my level of awesomeness is just as rare and precious as a classical masterpiece painting.

And so, Mr. President, that is why I am writing you today. Because probably only an individual of your stature would be worthy enough to bestow such a plaque in my honor. I mean, seriously, only the most awesome people receive a plaque from the President of the United States! And I truly am pretty awesome.

So yeah, go ahead and have that plaque printed up. Don’t worry about when you should schedule the press conference – my schedule is pretty wide open right now.

Pleated Jeans


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