When I Build My Island

When I build my island, boy, things are going to be different. For one, all of you losers won’t be laughing at me anymore. And even if you are, I’ll be miles away, sitting in a hammock, wearing a pair of super noise-canceling coconut headphones and singing my favorite song at the top of my lungs. So, yeah, go ahead and laugh. SEE IF I CARE!

island drawingWhen I build my island, you’re all going be so jealous. You’ll all be begging me to spend just one night on my awesome island. And who can blame you? I mean, the beachside casino is gonna have the LOOSEST SLOTS this side of the Mississippi! But you can just forget your dreams of hitting it big at my casino, because unless you’re a smokin’ hot babe, you’re not setting foot on my home-built island!

And you can’t just be ANY smokin’ hot babe. You’ve got to be one of hottest babes on the planet to stay in one of my seaside bungalows. How hot are we talking here? Well, you’ll probably have to be AT LEAST as hot as Leann Rimes to get a room at my 5-star beach hotel. And even then, you’ll probably only be allowed to stay in one of our budget-priced Gilligan Suites (garden view only).

Want to stay in a prestigious ocean-view Skipper Suite? Then your name better be Faith Hill or Shania Twain. And the 3-bedroom Ginger Honeymoon Suite with personal chef (me) and masseuse (also me)? Why, that’s reserved for one Miss Dolly Parton, of course.

Also, when I build my island, good luck getting a monkey butler to serve you drinks or sweep up your lame, land-locked apartment. Because you know where they’ll all be? On a boat docked at my island, begging to come ashore so they can get tan on my beaches and fat off of my banana trees.

But no matter how much they beg, those stupid monkeys are never setting foot on my island. NOT EVEN IF THEY PROMISE TO JUDGE THE ANNUAL SANDCASTLE COMPETITION! Because on my island, I’m the king. And the king decrees a ZERO TOLERANCE approach to ALL PRIMATES (yes, even you, gibbons).

So yeah, go ahead and laugh now, but when my island gets built, there will only be ONE PERSON LAUGHING! And that person is acclaimed actor Jerry Stiller, who I will pay to laugh in your faces for all eternity.

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