I don’t know why, but for some reason strangers are constantly stopping me on the street or approaching me in a restaurant to ask me questions about my life. I suppose I just have one of those magnetic personalities. If you run into me one day and want to know more about me, please don’t hesitate to ask. After all, if I were you, I’d want to know how I got so great, too. But in an effort to dispense the mysteries of me in a more efficient manner, here are some answers to the most frequently asked questions about me:
What are you wearing?
An Australian Barmah hat. I always wear one when I venture outside of the house. For one, because the wide brim helps keep the sun out of my eyes. For two, I just plain like the way it makes my head look.
No, not the hat. I mean, what are you wearing on your body?
Oh, that. It is a full-body lycra nude suit. It gives me the appearance of being naked, without actually being so.
Why don’t you watch where you’re going?
Because if you had been watching where you were standing, then I wouldn’t have had to push you out of the way.
Can I get you some more ranch dressing?
I told you already, at least one of my shot glasses should be filled at all times. Do you want a good tip or not?
Who are you?
I am a friend of your father’s. He got stuck at work and asked me to pick you up from school. Here, have a candy bar.
Is that a real mustache?
Yes. Well, that is to say it was real at one time. The rats I got it from are long dead by now.
Sir, will you kindly leave?
Like I said, this is a nude SUIT. I’m not actually naked. Which means I can rub all I want and technically it’s not lewd conduct.
Are you a cop?
You really like to play it on the safe side, don’t you? Geez, next thing you know, you’re going to be asking me to wear a condom.
How do you sleep at night?
On the floor, in a nest made of shredded newspaper and yarn, curled up in a ball so I can properly incubate my “eggs.”
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