Carlsbad Caverns – A Guided Tour

Greetings families, friends, couples and that one weirdo in the back who’s on vacation by himself for some reason. Welcome to Carlsbad Caverns, I will be your tour guide for the day. Now, before we begin our journey to the center of the earth (not really), there are a few ground rules we need to go over.

spelunking1. Please do not litter while in the cave. If you have any trash, please discard it now by tossing it in the trash heap to your right.
2. Talk quietly while in the cave. We do not want to disrupt or upset any of the creatures living in their natural habitat, especially Cavie, the lecherous cave monster.
3. Sorry parents, but no baby strollers are allowed in the cave. If you have a baby, please discard it now by tossing it in the trash heap to your right.

Alright, now as we move down into the cave, let me give you some history on Carlsbad Caverns. Experts estimate that the cave system is between 260 million years and 2,000 years old, depending on their level of Christian devoutness. Either way, the general consensus is that the human race discovered the cave thousands of years ago. Specifically, cave enthusiasts attribute the discovery of the caves to former Presidential candidate, John McCain.

Ha, kidding folks. Just a little cave humor. Obviously, John McCain isn’t THAT old. In all seriousness, the first human to discover the caves was probably named Gronk, or Unga-Wunga, or something.

Alright, we are now standing in the chamber known as the King’s Palace, so named because of the regal-like structure you can plainly see in the middle of the room. If you look closely, you can see that it looks just like a castle. And that fellow sitting on the throne? Why that’s King Carl! Look, he’s waving to us! Oh and look, there’s a photographer. What luck! Come on kids, let’s go over and have our pictures taken with King Carl (just $5 a print).

Behold the Hall of the Giants, the largest cave chamber in the ENTIRE WORLD  – *cough* (right behind the Sarawak Chamber in Malaysia). Note the towering columns found throughout. If you’re wondering how these columns were formed, cave experts will tell you that they were forged by a mighty race of mason giants, who mysteriously died out centuries ago. Sadly, neither their elephant-sized tools nor their massive bones have yet to be recovered by archaeologists.

Here we have the bat cave. Sorry, no Batman or Robin here. Just 17 different species of bats. Oh look, and here comes a swarm now. Don’t worry, these aren’t vampire bats; they don’t drink human blood. Rather, they use sonar to track their prey, and their sharp teeth to tear large chunks of flesh from our human bones. Let’s retreat behind the plastic safety sheet for a moment. I think we’ll all fit.

And now we stand in front of the Bottomless Pit. Be careful, we don’t want anyone slipping and fal—wait. Is that!? OH NO! IT”S CAVIE THE LECHEROUS CAVE MONSTER! RUN! EVERYONE RUN! HE’LL EAT YOUR BRAINS AND CRUNCH THROUGH YOUR BONES WITH HIS MASSIVE TEETH!

Ha ha! Just kidding. That’s not Cavie the lecherous cave monster. It’s just Pete, dressed up in a costume. Say hi Pete! Oh wow, that was priceless. You should have seen your faces. And Jason, if you’re worried about your father, don’t. The Bottomless Pit isn’t really bottomless. Which means you don’t have to worry about him screaming for all eternity in a state of suspended limbo until he either suffocates from lack of oxygen or dies from starvation.

The Pit is actually only 140 feet deep. Which means he’s probably already dead!

Alright ladies and gentleman, that concludes our tour. We are now back in the underground lunchroom. Please visit the gift shop, cafeteria or photo booth until you have run out of money. As you leave, let me just remind you that the signed waivers you signed prior to the tour admonish me from any liability of wrongdoing or negligence. Thank you and have a great day!


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