Late Night Monologue Jokes

Yesterday a man set off an explosion in an Arby’s bathroom in Delaware, destroying a toilet. When asked what exactly he used to achieve the destruction, he reportedly said, “Two Arby’s Big Beef and Cheddars.”

Andy Dick helped bring attention to a PETA protest against the slaughtering practices at McDonald’s by dressing up as Ronald McDonald and brandishing a knife at patrons as they entered one of the fast food chain’s restaurants. When asked for comment, one of the protesters remarked, “Oh he’s not with us. He’s just high on PCP.”

This past week, Pixar helped fulfill a dying girl’s final wish by sending an employee to her doorstep with an advanced DVD of Up and a basket full of toys. Not to be outdone, Vivid Video showed up at a boy’s house with an advanced DVD of Teen Sluts 12 and a 6-pack of beer.

In Oklahoma City, a thief reportedly punched and robbed a man for the bologna sandwich that he was eating at a bus stop. The thief fled in his vehicle and is still at large. Police are on the lookout for a yellow and orange Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

Pizza Hut recently announced that they are shortening their name to simply, The Hut. Pizza Hut executives say the name change is intended to help break the chain of its junk food image. Yeah, apparently changing the name of the restaurant was an easier way to accomplish this then simply NOT SELLING JUNK FOOD.

Drug officials in Mexico found over one ton of cocaine stuffed inside more then 20 frozen shark carcasses. Officials first became suspicious when they happened upon the sharks in a nightclub bathroom, all crowded around a toilet seat cover in one of the stalls.

In a speech at the annual Radio and TV Correspondents Dinner, author and comedian John Hodgman joked that President Obama was a “nerd.” Obama, who addressed the crowd later, commented on the statement by making a joke of his own at Hodgman’s expense. Unfortunately, no one laughed because President Obama was speaking in Klingon.

Over 300,000 cases of Nestle Tollhouse cookie dough were recalled this week due to the presence of E. Coli. In other news, Cookie Monster was found early this morning hanging from a rope in his Los Angeles apartment.

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