Jeff Wysaski
Men, I’ve had it with that swamp monster! We’re tired, because we’re too afraid to sleep at night. We’re hungry, because we’ve been cut off from our main food source – swamp algae. And worst of all, WE’RE BORED, because our main fun source – the jump rope barn – is located on the other side of the swamp bridge.
Guys, OUR DOUBLE DUTCH TOURNAMENT IS IN TWO WEEKS! And I don’t know about you, but my squad really needs to practice our Crab Hops and Mule Kicks. Also, a super secret move that I’m not at liberty to discuss.
Men, it’s time we finally hunted down and killed the swamp monster!
So far, we’ve been lucky. No one’s been killed or even hurt. But we all know it’s only a matter of time. We’ve all seen the menacing way he (she?) eagerly smiles and waves to any passersby who are unlucky enough to run afoul of the ghastly beast.
No doubt it is smiling because it is imagining how good our brains would taste smothered in swamp algae. And sure, it probably would taste pretty delicious – anything smothered in swamp algae is, after all.
But that’s not the point! The point is: that swamp monster needs to go! Need I remind you of poor Gladys!? There she was, having a perfectly normal midnight picnic-for-one out there in the middle of the woods (like teen girls are wont to do). When all of a sudden, the swamp monster approaches her slowly (i.e. creepily), kneels down, and hands her a bushel of GARDENIA FLOWERS IN FULL BLOOM!
I don’t think I need to tell you that, if eaten, gardenias are HIGHLY POISONOUS! Men, that’s one count of attempted murder. I, for one, don’t want to wait around for another.
We’ve already tried appeasing the swamp monster through other means, but it refuses to accept the many peace offerings that we have placed along the shores of the swamp. No matter how many virgins we sacrifice, it never seems to be enough. For they are always found the next morning, rejected, and laid carefully in the town cemetery with a bushel of gardenias (poison) at their sides.
So clearly, we must kill this vile swamp monster before it swallows our town whole! Here is what I propose: Elias, you shall dress in costume as a female swamp monster. Ezekiel, you shall don a male version of the same costume, in case swamp monster is a female (or homosexual).
Then, you will gain the monster’s attention by posing in a sexually suggestive position on the banks of the swamp. Once the swamp monster gives chase, you will lure him into a long hallway with multiple doors, a la Scooby Doo. You will confuse and disorient the swamp monster by running in and out of various doors in a comical, entertaining fashion.
Amid the madcap hijinks, the confusion will inevitably result in a brief (and hilarious) reversal of roles, in which the swamp monster is being chased by the two of you. At this time, you will chase it into the room in which I am waiting.
We will then lock the swamp monster in, and I will proceed to challenge it to a winner-take-all double-dutch jump rope competition. If I win, he must agree to be killed, doused in swamp algae and served to the townsfolk as the main course of Sunday brunch.
If he beats me, then I will Mule Kick him into submission, take him hostage, and make him help me win the Double Dutch Tournament in two weeks time. After my team wins the tournament, he will then be killed, doused in swamp algae and served at Sunday brunch.
Are we all agreed? Alright, then LET’S DO THIS!
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