Probably my best friend in the whole wide world is a guy I like to call, “The Wizard.” Of course, that’s not his real name (it’s Brad), but I call him The Wizard because he’s really, really good at pinball. Also, another way he is like a wizard, is that he can see the future through his crystal ball and shoot lightning out of his enchanted wooden staff.
I still remember the first time I met The Wizard. I was at the beach, when all of a sudden this big tidal wave came out of nowhere. To get away, I ran up to the top of the highest beach cliff I could find, and there he was. I was scared as heck, but The Wiz wasn’t worried at all. In fact, as the wave approached, he was laughing and pretending to make it grow bigger by raising his arms and pulling them towards him. I would find out later that The Wizard likes to pretend like this a lot.
Right away the two of us hit it off, and The Wizard took me back to his place to hang out. However, he said the location was a secret (he likes his privacy), so he had to blindfold me. He also gagged me and tied my hands behind my back “just in case.” I didn’t think it was necessary. I mean, how does a gag in my mouth keep me from knowing where I’m going? But that’s The Wiz for you – better safe than sorry.
The Wizard lives in a cave somewhere on the outskirts of town. He’s got all sorts of cool things in there – a bunch of old rare books, a black cauldron, plenty of eye of newt. In other words, it’s a total bachelor pad. I told him how great his place was, and he said, “Good, because you’re going to be here for a long, long time.” Isn’t that sweet? He knew right away we’d be friends forever.
In fact, The Wizard must have known I was looking for a place to live, because he said I could stay in his guest bedroom. I said, “the one with the giant king-sized bed?” And he replied, “no the one with the bars on the front.”
So I’ve been living in the guest bedroom for a while now, and I have to say it’s been a lot of fun. The Wizard’s always playing funny pranks on me. For example, one time he sprinkled me in this dust and my skin melted right off of me! He got me good that time.
Don’t worry, though, my skin grew back (eventually). Plus, I got him back with a prank of my own. Once, he was walking by my room and I reached out and gave him the biggest Wet Willie! Boy, did that make him mad. He was all cursing and telling me that he was going to turn me into a donkey and make me plough his fields. Okay, big guy. Sure you are!
One thing I don’t like, however, is the other three guys that I have to share my room with. I don’t think a day goes by that they’re not crying about something or complaining about the rat stew that The Wizard keeps feeding us. I mean, honestly, here The Wizard is cooking us a nice meal, and all they can do is complain. I guess some people are just never satisfied.
I keep telling The Wizard that we’d have a lot more fun without the other guys – you know, the Two Musketeers and all – but he’s just got too big of a heart to kick anyone out. I mean, he doesn’t even ask us to pay rent. How nice is that?
I suppose it doesn’t matter. I’d put up with a thousand other roommates just to be able to hang out with my best buddy. I told him we should plan a road trip for the summer – maybe go to Cabo or something – but he says it would be safer for all of us if I just stayed in my room. And I guess that’s why he’s my best buddy in the whole wide world – because no matter what, he’s always putting my safety and happiness first. What a guy.
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