Shut Up Global Warming “Experts,” and Other Thoughts About the Weather

The salesman told me the umbrella would keep me “100 percent” dry, but that was a lie. Within seconds of walking off the dock, I was completely soaked.

Pete opened the door and was immediately hit by what felt like a thousand degrees of heat. “That’s odd,” he thought as his skin began to sizzle. “Usually the microwave turns off when I open it.”

I think a good way to get these so-called experts to stop talking about global warming, is to give them a mild electrical shock every time they open their big stupid mouths. And if that doesn’t work, well then pump up the juice, baby.

People around here are always complaining about how weird the weather is. But as I like to say, “if you don’t like the weather, just wait 5 minutes,” because by then, I’ll be long gone and I won’t have to listen to you complain anymore.

It was shaping up to be such a pleasant day out there in the open field, just running wildly with the wind in my hair. But then the doctors caught up to me with the straightjacket, and dragged me back to my padded cell.

As the waves grew larger and more jagged I looked up to the sky, and I could guess why the sea was so angry. It was because I took a dump in it, wasn’t it?

The hail came down with a vengeance and began to pelt my Chevrolet like a million little golf balls, I pretended as I drove onto the driving range and accelerated right into one of the  “clouds” (golfers).

Old Buck was always the first to know when a storm was on the way. Ma says its because of his animal instincts. But I say it’s because he’s the town weatherman, and has access to all those fancy machines.

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