Jeff Wysaski
Honey, I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and, well, I’ve come to the conclusion that we need to buy a jet ski. Now, see right there – the way you just rolled your eyes. That’s why I didn’t come to you with this dilemma until just now.
Yes, I know I’ve been begging you to let me buy a jet ski for a while now, but circumstances have changed. Through our discussions, you helped me realize that, hey, maybe I’m just not the type of guy that needs the excitement and danger that comes with immersing one’s self into the world of personal watercraft sports.
That’s fine. I agree with you there 100 percent. But today, I was thinking and, well, as much as I totally don’t WANT to own a jet ski anymore, I really think we’re gonna have to get one anyway.
Why!? Why NOT is more like it. The way I see it, buying a jet ski is the solution to ALL our problems. Let me break it down for you:
1. Money. Yes, I know money has been tight, but the reason it’s tight is because I don’t have a job right now. And after 3 months, I think it’s fair to say that cruising the job boards online just isn’t panning out. What I need to do is get out there and make connections – you know, really network!
And you know where a great place to network is? Out there on the open waters of Lake Winnesocka. Think about it. If I had a jet ski, I could be out there wheeling and dealing – really getting my name out there. I mean, think about it, people don’t want to give jobs to strangers. They want to give jobs to their friends! And trust me, after everyone sees me out there catching insane air and doing some serious wicked spin outs, everyone on that lake is totally going to want to meet the guy with the crazy awesome jet ski skills.
2. Our marriage. I’m just going to come right out and say it – our marriage is in the tubes. I know you’ll agree with me –the arguing has been pretty much non-stop lately. And the arguing isn’t even over big issues. It’s over little stuff. Stuff like you not letting me buy a jet ski. Seriously, I’m pretty sure 95 percent of our arguments over the past few months have been jet-ski related. So how do we stop the fighting? Simple. Get a jet ski.
Also, I know you’ve been complaining about how the romance in our marriage has fizzled. Well, what could be more romantic than the two of us straddling the hard plastic seat of neon jet ski, screaming across Lake Winnesocka with the wind in our hair?
3. The Drinking. You’re concerned about my drinking. I get that. And even though I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM, I think having a jet ski would really help lower my daily alcohol intake. For one, I’ve been drinking more lately because I’m depressed. And why am I depressed? Mostly because I don’t have a jet ski.
For two, I’m going to be out there on that lake pretty much all day, everyday. And what with all those choppy waves I’ll be slicing through and all that big air I’ll be catching, it’s gonna be pretty hard to chug down a tasty brew mid-ride. Of course, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try, but it’s probably safe to say that a fair amount of that beer won’t make it into my mouth.
So there you have it. I think the facts are pretty clear: we NEED a jet ski. Go ahead and think it over if you want, but really there’s not much to think about. And really, I guess your whole opinion on the matter is moot anyway – I already bought the jet ski. The jet ski salesmen have it in the living room. I hope you like neon green.
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