Thoughts About Insects

If my wife was an insect, she would probably be a centipede, because, man, she sure spends a lot of money on shoes.

Sometimes I think it would be helpful to have the strength of an ant, and be able to lift 10 times my body weight. Like last week, with that new sofa I had to move into the living room. Or like right now, with this giant boulder crushing my torso and legs.

I think the one downside to being a wolf spider would be having to eat my own young.

If you ever see a vampire kill a mosquito, feel free to call him a hypocrite.

“Where’s your God now?” I yelled out as I stomped my shoe down onto the praying mantis.

When it all comes down to it, you insects are not so different from humans like me. Like the moth, I enjoy the comfort of a fine wool suit. Like the housefly, I enjoy eating sugary snacks. And like the cockroach, I enjoy laying my “eggs” in animal feces left on the side of the road.

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