First-degree murder. Someday it will be legal (God willing), but for now, us “outlaws” have to keep things on the down low. Let me guess, right now you’ve got an ex-loved one dead on the ground behind you (it’s your wife, isn’t it?) and you’re struggling to keep all that blood on your hands from getting all over the computer keyboard.
I bet you thought the hard part was over. Well think again, buddy, because no matter what your motive for revenge (wifey was gonna call the cops, wasn’t she?), now you’ve got a big, heavy body to dispose of. And guess what? That cumbersome pile of flesh and bones is gonna start smelling pretty foul any minute now.
You’ve got to get rid of that body fast. And if you want to get away with your “crime” so you can enjoy your newfound freedom, then you’ve also got to be careful. After all, this isn’t your cocker spaniel’s dog poop we’re talking about here – you can’t just throw it onto the neighbors’ lawn and expect the problem to disappear on its own. You need a plan. To help out, here are some of the best ways to dispose of a dead body:
Dump the body in the woods: Our nation’s wooded areas are riddled with dead bodies. And why not? Dense forests provide plenty of cover during the actual burial. Plus, the body is unlikely to be found, because very few people go digging random holes in the middle of the forest (unless they’re burying a body, in which case, you probably won’t have to worry about them alerting the authorities).
Bury the body at your house: If you’re worried of being caught red-handed out there in the real world, use your own property to bury the body. That backyard rose garden is a perfect place to hide a body (bonus: human bodies make great fertilizer – those roses are gonna look great when spring comes around next year). If you’ve got nosy neighbors, then bury the body in the basement or encase it behind a bedroom wall. If you choose the latter, be sure to stock up on Febreze – that decomposing body is gonna get pretty rank.
Roll the body up in a carpet and throw it off a bridge: Got blood all over your tiger-skin rug? Kill two birds with one stone and throw the evidence and the deceased off a nearby bridge at the same time. Tip: choose a bridge that’s over a body of water. That freeway overpass may look convenient, but when that rug starts blocking up traffic below, someone will eventually look inside of it.
Chop the body into little pieces: Bodies are harder to identify when only partial remains are found. Make the cops work for that positive identification by dumping various parts of the body throughout the nearby city and countryside. Good places to drop body parts include dumpsters, lakes and the rental return box at Blockbuster.
Use acid to dispose of the body: If you’ve got a few barrels of sulfuric acid lying around (and who doesn’t these days?), you can get rid of the remains altogether by dissolving it. Be sure to place the body in a container that the acid can’t eat through. After neutralizing the acid, ideas for getting rid of the sludgy remains of the body include flushing it down the toilet, pouring it down a storm drain, or baking it into banana bread and feeding it to your enemies.
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LOL..I save your blog as my farvourite just in case one day I or one of my friends might need it……you never know! LOL
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funny, but missing a lot of important details, for instance, you cant just put a body in a wall, the moisture and decomposing flesh will smell and cause mold, at least blead the body in a plastic lined bath tub w/ a pipe lining the drain as to not leave bloody evediance everywhere also cut it into managable pieces. not to mention that you downplayed the smell factor way to much, It reaks!!! and for a long time too, anyonee that enters your house will know exactily what that smell is, to counter this the best thing to do is put the body in a lot of concreate, and making a concreat wall takes time, na, the best thing is to make a hole in the floor, fill it 1/4 of the way with concreate, let it dry. take the pieces out of the deep freeze and put them in the hole and fill the rest of the way. this should avoied that sickly sweet smell from lofting through your walls and into tour house, but the body is doomed for discovery at that point as houses get old, they fall apart and need renovations with time or accedents happen, floods, watterlines, fires, etc.
Next is the rug over a bridge concept, again, funny, that part about not thowing it onto a highway, but not very helpfull to someone with a problem, Right??? seariously flawed, first a rug is a bad idea even if you duct tape it closed, ure a non bioderatable heavy thick sinthetic sacks, again cut the body into pieces (blead first) put the pieces into the sacke w/a counter waight. punch a few small holes into the sack so the air can escape. this will prevent the sacks from floating. put all thies sacks into onre air tight sack (for transport) then freese them while you go rent a boat, adwayt drop them in the ocean, less chance anyone will smell the escaping gasses also its deeper and they wont wash up on shore.
hay man, somtimes people need help, and giving them veuge information with all sorts of falicies attached to hummoris but half truth information can get them to trouble. and if someone gets in trouble because of what you told them you dont think they might be mad after thinking about it in a cell for 20 years.
or you can just bath the body in liquid nitrogen and it will freeze like glass then you have nice statue unless its covered in blood which in that case you go into the garage and get a sledgehammer and make a huge pile of dust.